So, I am working my way through 1881. He has committed to being a full time painter, but like his work in ministry, he starts from zero and builds up. His obstinate non-conformity still causes him problems, but he is somewhat reconciled to his family (living at home with them in Etten for a time) and is out of the coal country, so often he sounds quite happy.
I wish all people had what I am gradually beginning to acquire: the power to read a book in a short time without difficulty, and to keep a strong impression of it. In reading books, as in looking at paintings, one must admire what is beautiful with assurance - without doubt, without hesitation...I am busy rearranging all my books; I have read too much not to work on systematically to get at least an idea of modern literature. Sometimes I am so sorry that I do not know more about history, especially modern history. Well, being sorry and giving up doesn't help us on; the only thing to do is to push forward. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, early August 1881
He has fallen in love, but she does not return his feelings, being still hung up on an old love. Being Vincent, he loves anyway. That man does not seem to have a "just relax" bone in his body.
So I remain calm and confident through all this, and it influences my work, which attracts me more than ever just because I feel I shall succeed. Not that I shall become anything extra-ordinary, but “ordinary”; and by ordinary I mean that my work will be sound and reasonable, and will have a right to exist, and will serve some purpose.
I think that nothing awakens us to the reality of life so much as true love. And whoever is truly conscious of the reality of life, is he on the wrong road? I think not. But to what shall I compare that peculiar feeling, that peculiar discovery of love? For indeed when a man falls seriously in love, it is the discovery of a new hemisphere. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, 7 November 1881
If ever you fall in love, do so without reservation, or rather, if you should fall in love simply give no thought to any reservation.
Moreover, when you do fall in love, you will not `feel certain' of success beforehand. You will be `un âme en peine' [a lost soul] and yet you will smile.
Whoever feels so `sure of his ground' that he rashly imagines `she is mine', even before he has waged the soul's battle of love, even before, I say, he has become suspended between life and death on the high seas, in the midst of storm and tempest - there is one who knows little of what a woman's heart is, and that will be bought home to him by a real woman in a very special way. When I was younger, one half of me once fancied that I was in love, and with the other half I really was. The result was many years of humiliation. Let me not have been humiliated in vain. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, 10-11 November 1881
He really is determined in his love.
The clergymen call us sinners, conceived and born in sin. Bah! What confounded nonsense that is. Is it a sin to love, to feel the need for love, not to be able to live without love? I consider a life without love a sinful and immoral state. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, c. 21 December 1881
1881 ended with an argument between himself and his father and Vincent leaving the family home in Etten, possibly this time for good. He is devoting himself to drawing, but he got a paint box from a cousin (?) for Christmas, so he is enjoying exploring that.
This set of blog entries is taking quite a while, but I am very much enjoying spending the time with Vincent. More as I continue. If I keep up with a year at a go, there will likely be about 10 more Vincent entries, interspersed with other things. Enjoy :)
Note: The letters can be found in their entirety at http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/
Friday, December 21, 2012
Response to poly questions part 2
(continued from previous post)
3. Be happy ALONE.
This reminds me of the film "Cool Runnings". When one of the bob sledders asks John Candy's character Yes, that’about what it feels like to win a gold medal (or something along those lines), Candy replies, "If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it." I continue to work on being enough just by myself (there are in fact times that I wonder if I will ever be alone - reference my chaotic life in the previous question). I do think that I'm pretty ok on this one. I am daily more comfortable inside my skin.
4. Communicate. Honestly.
I have to work on this one. I don't like conflict and I don't like saying things that will (or could) upset the person that I am with, so I repress. THIS needs work for me.
5. Know what you want. Here’s another list of questions for ya. (Hint: Rules 1 to 4 come in real handy before you get to this one.) Aargh! These are challenging!
- What would your ideal polyamorous relationship look like? I don't know that my ideal poly relationship looks that much different than my ideal monogamous relationship. I just want to love and be loved. I don't want to be told that I can't love or I oughtn't. I need to know that somewhere I'm most important, but I don't have to be most important all of the time, and sometimes I want to be left alone.
- What joys do you think polyamory will bring to your life? People to love freely.
- What challenges do you think you will face? Do you think you’re equipped to handle those challenges? This part worries me. People don't follow the rules. Emotions are messy, and there is so much, not just potential, but likelihood for drama that I almost don't want to think about poly. I handle drama pretty well, but I also will step back if someone is a more demanding partner, so it is easy for me to feel shunted aside. This is where I think that poly is maybe not for me.
- Do the benefits you want match up with the kind of room do you have in your world for multiple partners? There's the rub. For the next few years, I just don't have room in my life for multiple partners. I have to get my kids graduated from high school and then maybe, but not until then. Hell, until then I don't even know if I have room in my life for a single partner.
- Do the benefits you want match up with what you have to give in return in terms of time, energy, availability, etc.? See response above
- What do you think an incoming partner might want from you? How might she or he feel about your situation? Working on this one
- If you have an existing partner, do your values, desires and abilities match up well? Are you looking for the same or compatible sorts of polyamory? Working on this one
- Are you open to a range of options within the range of polyamorous arrangements, or is your interest very specific? If it’s specific, why? What do you hope to gain from that particular form? I am pretty open, I think. I certainly don't have a particular attachment to a single form or arrangement that I know of.
linked from http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/
When Vincent reads my mind
So, there was a moment in the July 1880 letter where it felt as though Vincent had reached into my head and pulled chunks of my brain out into the light for all to see. Not a fun experience necessarily, but certainly provoking:
A caged bird in spring knows perfectly well that there is some way in which he should be able to serve. He is well aware that there is something to be done, but he is unable to do it. What is it? He cannot quite remember, but then he gets a vague inkling and he says to himself, “The others are building their nests and hatching their young and bringing them up,” and then he bangs his head against the bars of the cage. But the cage does not give way and the bird is maddened by pain. “What a idler,” says another bird passing by - what an idler. Yet the prisoner lives and does not die. There are no outward signs of what is going on inside him; he is doing well, he is quite cheerful in the sunshine.
I want to just leave this quote alone and say, "Ok, there it is."...maybe for now I will.
A caged bird in spring knows perfectly well that there is some way in which he should be able to serve. He is well aware that there is something to be done, but he is unable to do it. What is it? He cannot quite remember, but then he gets a vague inkling and he says to himself, “The others are building their nests and hatching their young and bringing them up,” and then he bangs his head against the bars of the cage. But the cage does not give way and the bird is maddened by pain. “What a idler,” says another bird passing by - what an idler. Yet the prisoner lives and does not die. There are no outward signs of what is going on inside him; he is doing well, he is quite cheerful in the sunshine.
But then the season of the great migration arrives, an attack of melancholy. He has everything he needs, say the children who tend him in his cage - but he looks out, at the heavy thundery sky, and in his heart of hearts he rebels against his fate. I am caged, I am caged and you say I need nothing, you idiots! I have everything I need, indeed! Oh! please give me the freedom to be a bird like other birds!
I want to just leave this quote alone and say, "Ok, there it is."...maybe for now I will.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Vincent, Part Three
Still working my way through his letters to his brother Theo, which are published in their entirety here: http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/ This post begins in January of 1879.
For the early part of the year he is working as an evangelist in the Borinage, a coal mining are in (I think) Belgium. His descriptions of the mines & miners & the world they inhabit are masterful. His artists eye combines with a ready sympathy that manages not to be cloying or pitying at all. He respects the miners even while he is a bit appalled at their condition.
His depression (or whatever his mental condition is) Is likely made worse by what he sees while working as an evangelist in this area. He cannot help but imagine, empathize, and despair (this is purely my interpretation, btw) - When I saw you again and walked with you, I had a feeling I used to have more often than I do now, namely that life is something good and precious which one should value, and I felt more cheerful and alive than I have been feeling for a long time, because in spite of myself my life has gradually become less precious, much less important and more a matter of indifference to me, or so it seemed. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Cuesmes, mid August 1879
Same letter...I like that he acknowledges how he is feeling, but is choosing to try and make it better - So instead of giving in to despair I chose active melancholy, in so far as I was capable of activity, in other words I chose the kind of melancholy that hopes, that strives and that seeks, in preference to the melancholy that despairs numbly and in distress.
So, I read along,1879 and much of 1880 pass pretty quickly because there is some sort of estrangement between him and the rest of his family. He doesn't write at all from August of 1879 to July of 1880. The July letter contains in large part his attempts to explain his non-conformity and seeming inability to be the person his family wants him to be. This letter sears, cuts, in its honesty. I don't even know where to begin to paste sections. If you like, you can pause here and follow this link to read the entire thing: http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/letter/8/133.htm Go ahead, I won't stop you. Read the entire thing and absorb it. It's worth your time. I'll still be here when you come back.
At this point, I have made it through to January of 1881. Good changes are happening (or at least changes that he seems positive about). He has left the coal country and found a drawing school in Brussels. With his characteristic fervor, he is throwing himself into drawing the way that he threw himself into his studies for the ministry. 1881 looks to be chock full of letters, so that must mean that he feels better during this year (at least I hope so). Another entry will follow in a day or so. Meanwhile, I think I am going to commit large parts of the letter of July 1880 to memory.
For the early part of the year he is working as an evangelist in the Borinage, a coal mining are in (I think) Belgium. His descriptions of the mines & miners & the world they inhabit are masterful. His artists eye combines with a ready sympathy that manages not to be cloying or pitying at all. He respects the miners even while he is a bit appalled at their condition.
His depression (or whatever his mental condition is) Is likely made worse by what he sees while working as an evangelist in this area. He cannot help but imagine, empathize, and despair (this is purely my interpretation, btw) - When I saw you again and walked with you, I had a feeling I used to have more often than I do now, namely that life is something good and precious which one should value, and I felt more cheerful and alive than I have been feeling for a long time, because in spite of myself my life has gradually become less precious, much less important and more a matter of indifference to me, or so it seemed. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Cuesmes, mid August 1879
Same letter...I like that he acknowledges how he is feeling, but is choosing to try and make it better - So instead of giving in to despair I chose active melancholy, in so far as I was capable of activity, in other words I chose the kind of melancholy that hopes, that strives and that seeks, in preference to the melancholy that despairs numbly and in distress.
So, I read along,1879 and much of 1880 pass pretty quickly because there is some sort of estrangement between him and the rest of his family. He doesn't write at all from August of 1879 to July of 1880. The July letter contains in large part his attempts to explain his non-conformity and seeming inability to be the person his family wants him to be. This letter sears, cuts, in its honesty. I don't even know where to begin to paste sections. If you like, you can pause here and follow this link to read the entire thing: http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/letter/8/133.htm Go ahead, I won't stop you. Read the entire thing and absorb it. It's worth your time. I'll still be here when you come back.
At this point, I have made it through to January of 1881. Good changes are happening (or at least changes that he seems positive about). He has left the coal country and found a drawing school in Brussels. With his characteristic fervor, he is throwing himself into drawing the way that he threw himself into his studies for the ministry. 1881 looks to be chock full of letters, so that must mean that he feels better during this year (at least I hope so). Another entry will follow in a day or so. Meanwhile, I think I am going to commit large parts of the letter of July 1880 to memory.
Laughter and Tears
Facebook status update: "Just finished watching all 3 episodes of the 2005 BBC "Casanova" starring Peter O'Toole & David Tennant.
Curse you, Russell Davies.
That is all."
Curse you, Russell Davies.
That is all."
Monday, December 17, 2012
Vincent, part two
Ok, so I am working my way through http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/ and reading each of the letters in the exhibit. I left off in January of 1878, so here I go again, posting good quotes from the next section of my reading :)
Is not life given us to become richer in spirit, even though the outward appearance may suffer?...I would feel more attraction for, and would rather come into contact with, one who was ugly or old or poor or in some way unhappy, but who, through experience and sorrow, had gained a mind and a soul. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 9 January 1878
It must be good to die in the knowledge that one has done some truthful work and to know that, as a result, one will live on in the memory of at least a few and leave a good example for those who come after. A work that is good may not last forever, but the thought expressed by it will, and the work itself will surely survive for a very long time, and those who come later can do no more than follow in the footsteps of such predecessors and copy their example.- Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 3 March 1878
I like all of this next letter. He talks about struggles and melancholy and the importance of working through those challenges, of striving. Then, he says this - It is good to love as many things as one can, for therein lies true strength, and those who loves much, do much and accomplish much, and whatever is done with love is done well...Love is the best and the noblest thing in the human heart, especially when it is tested by life as gold is tested by fire. Happy is he who has loved much, and is sure of himself, and although he may have wavered and doubted, he has kept that divine spark alive and returned to what was in the beginning and ever shall be. If only one keeps loving faithfully what is truly worth loving and does not squander one's love on trivial and insignificant and meaningless things then one will gradually obtain more light and grow stronger...The need is for nothing less than the infinite and the miraculous, and a man does well to be satisfied with nothing less, and not to feel easy until he has gained it...So let us go forward quietly, each on his own path, forever making for the light, `sursum corda' [lift up your hearts], and in the knowledge that we are as others are and that others are as we are and that it is right to love one another in the best possible way, believing all things, hoping for all things and enduring all things, and never failing. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 3 April 1878
I had to resist pasting almost the entire letter. In his letter the next month, he could be talking about today.
At times it is good to see such simple things when one sees so many people who for different reasons have strayed from all that is natural and so have lost their real and inner life, and when one also sees so many who live in misery and horror - for in the evening and at night one sees all kinds of black figures wandering about, men as well as women, in whom the terror of the night is personified, and whose misery one must class among the things that have no name in any language. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, May 1878
There are some places here, thank God one finds them everywhere, where one feels more at home than anywhere else, where one gets a peculiar pristine feeling like that of homesickness, in which bitter melancholy plays some part; but yet its stimulation strengthens and cheers the mind, and gives us, we do not know how or why, new strength and ardour for our work...How rich art is, if one can only remember what one has seen, one is never empty of thoughts or truly lonely, never alone.- Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Laeken, 15 November 1878
Tonight's sitting only got me through 1878. His emotional struggles seem to be getting the better of him. He desperately wants to preach, but cannot cope with the studying required to get a theological position. It leads him increasingly into depression, and his parents are deeply concerned for his well-being. They try to help, but he doesn't always take it.
More next time, when I go into 1879.
Is not life given us to become richer in spirit, even though the outward appearance may suffer?...I would feel more attraction for, and would rather come into contact with, one who was ugly or old or poor or in some way unhappy, but who, through experience and sorrow, had gained a mind and a soul. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 9 January 1878
It must be good to die in the knowledge that one has done some truthful work and to know that, as a result, one will live on in the memory of at least a few and leave a good example for those who come after. A work that is good may not last forever, but the thought expressed by it will, and the work itself will surely survive for a very long time, and those who come later can do no more than follow in the footsteps of such predecessors and copy their example.- Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 3 March 1878
I like all of this next letter. He talks about struggles and melancholy and the importance of working through those challenges, of striving. Then, he says this - It is good to love as many things as one can, for therein lies true strength, and those who loves much, do much and accomplish much, and whatever is done with love is done well...Love is the best and the noblest thing in the human heart, especially when it is tested by life as gold is tested by fire. Happy is he who has loved much, and is sure of himself, and although he may have wavered and doubted, he has kept that divine spark alive and returned to what was in the beginning and ever shall be. If only one keeps loving faithfully what is truly worth loving and does not squander one's love on trivial and insignificant and meaningless things then one will gradually obtain more light and grow stronger...The need is for nothing less than the infinite and the miraculous, and a man does well to be satisfied with nothing less, and not to feel easy until he has gained it...So let us go forward quietly, each on his own path, forever making for the light, `sursum corda' [lift up your hearts], and in the knowledge that we are as others are and that others are as we are and that it is right to love one another in the best possible way, believing all things, hoping for all things and enduring all things, and never failing. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 3 April 1878
I had to resist pasting almost the entire letter. In his letter the next month, he could be talking about today.
At times it is good to see such simple things when one sees so many people who for different reasons have strayed from all that is natural and so have lost their real and inner life, and when one also sees so many who live in misery and horror - for in the evening and at night one sees all kinds of black figures wandering about, men as well as women, in whom the terror of the night is personified, and whose misery one must class among the things that have no name in any language. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, May 1878
There are some places here, thank God one finds them everywhere, where one feels more at home than anywhere else, where one gets a peculiar pristine feeling like that of homesickness, in which bitter melancholy plays some part; but yet its stimulation strengthens and cheers the mind, and gives us, we do not know how or why, new strength and ardour for our work...How rich art is, if one can only remember what one has seen, one is never empty of thoughts or truly lonely, never alone.- Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Laeken, 15 November 1878
Tonight's sitting only got me through 1878. His emotional struggles seem to be getting the better of him. He desperately wants to preach, but cannot cope with the studying required to get a theological position. It leads him increasingly into depression, and his parents are deeply concerned for his well-being. They try to help, but he doesn't always take it.
More next time, when I go into 1879.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Cave of Forgotten Dreams
Horses, lions, cave bears, rhinos, wolves, bison, aurochs,
ibex racing joyously up out of the earth - birthwaters
Stop and be silent – listen to the silence of the cave –
hear the heartbeat of the earth and maybe even your own
Flute made from vulture radius – soft reedy windy sound
–pentatonic scale
Buried by landslide 20,000 years ago – paintings date from
up to 32,000 years ago
Crooked finger man, six feet tall – making red palm prints
Dreaming of lions (no teeth or claws)
Layers on layers with 5,000 years between
Tracks and bones laying as they fell – calcite dripping
glacially slowly over everything
Cave bear
The arch over the river
Worship and celebrate
Cave as cathedral – there in the womb of the earth – child
footprint next to wolf print – what is the story it tells?
Fresh charcoal with calcite growing over it like
a frosted window pane
Vincent, part one
So, I found a web exhibition of all of Vincent Van Gogh's letters to his brother Theo & I have immersed myself in them. There follows quotes from various letters that I appreciated:
Do go on doing a lot of walking and keep up your love of nature, for that is the right way to understand art better and better. Painters understand nature and love her and teach us to see. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, London, January 1874
He that sincerely loves nature, finds pleasure everywhere - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, London, 30 April 1874
Don't regret that your life is too easy, mine is rather easy too; I think that life is pretty long and that the time will arrive soon enough in which “another shall gird thee and carry thee where thou wouldst not.” - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, London, 6 March 1875
He talks about the paintings that he is looking at in museums, and I find myself wondering how it would be to see art as he does. At one point in the January 1874 letter he tells Theo to simply appreciate, that people don't do this enough...something to work on for me? Possibly.
Another thought: The contrast between his letters and what family members say about him is striking
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to His Parents, Ramsgate, 14-17 April 1876 I just loved the imagery throughout this letter, especially his use of color.
Honestly, I have had some happy hours here, yet I don't have plain and complete confidence in this happiness, in this peace. The one may be the result of the other. Man rarely declares that he is satisfied; as soon as he finds that that it goes too well, the sooner he thinks that it will not go well enough. But this is in parenthesis; we must not talk about it, but continue quietly on our way. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Ramsgate, 6-8 May 1876
Let us bear love one unto another that God may augment and strengthen our love, and gather love around us, and if there should be no human being that you can love enough, love the town in which you dwell, as you do, too - don't I love Paris and London, though I am a child of the pine woods and of the beach at Ramsgate? - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Isleworth, 1 September 1876
Last night, after I had been at the office till one o'clock, I made a detour to the Grote Kerk [Great Church]; then, I went along the canal and past by the old gate, I finally arrived at the Nieuwe Kerk [New Church], then I returned home. It had snowed, a deep silence reigned over everything; I saw here and there little bright lights in the windows and, in the snow, the black silhouette of a night watchman. It was high tide, and beside the snow the canals and ships looked very dark. It was charming around the two churches. The sky, grey and foggy, only let the moonlight filter through. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Dordrecht, 28 February 1877
Here, the dark days before Christmas are as a long procession at the end of which shines such a light, the feast of the Nativity: the friendly lighthouse behind the rocks, when the water comes crashing against them on a dark night. This feast of Christmas has always been for us a bright spot, and may it always remain so.Here, the dark days before Christmas are as a long procession at the end of which shines such a light, the feast of the Nativity: the friendly lighthouse behind the rocks, when the water comes crashing against them on a dark night. This feast of Christmas has always been for us a bright spot, and may it always remain so. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 19 November 1877
OK, I have made it to January of 1878. He's just 24 and still buried in studying to be a pastor. I don't know if he will manage to pass algebra. I will pause here and come back later. Just in case, here is the link to the entire exhibit: http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/
Do go on doing a lot of walking and keep up your love of nature, for that is the right way to understand art better and better. Painters understand nature and love her and teach us to see. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, London, January 1874
He that sincerely loves nature, finds pleasure everywhere - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, London, 30 April 1874
Don't regret that your life is too easy, mine is rather easy too; I think that life is pretty long and that the time will arrive soon enough in which “another shall gird thee and carry thee where thou wouldst not.” - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, London, 6 March 1875
He talks about the paintings that he is looking at in museums, and I find myself wondering how it would be to see art as he does. At one point in the January 1874 letter he tells Theo to simply appreciate, that people don't do this enough...something to work on for me? Possibly.
Another thought: The contrast between his letters and what family members say about him is striking
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to His Parents, Ramsgate, 14-17 April 1876 I just loved the imagery throughout this letter, especially his use of color.
Honestly, I have had some happy hours here, yet I don't have plain and complete confidence in this happiness, in this peace. The one may be the result of the other. Man rarely declares that he is satisfied; as soon as he finds that that it goes too well, the sooner he thinks that it will not go well enough. But this is in parenthesis; we must not talk about it, but continue quietly on our way. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Ramsgate, 6-8 May 1876
Let us bear love one unto another that God may augment and strengthen our love, and gather love around us, and if there should be no human being that you can love enough, love the town in which you dwell, as you do, too - don't I love Paris and London, though I am a child of the pine woods and of the beach at Ramsgate? - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Isleworth, 1 September 1876
Last night, after I had been at the office till one o'clock, I made a detour to the Grote Kerk [Great Church]; then, I went along the canal and past by the old gate, I finally arrived at the Nieuwe Kerk [New Church], then I returned home. It had snowed, a deep silence reigned over everything; I saw here and there little bright lights in the windows and, in the snow, the black silhouette of a night watchman. It was high tide, and beside the snow the canals and ships looked very dark. It was charming around the two churches. The sky, grey and foggy, only let the moonlight filter through. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Dordrecht, 28 February 1877
Here, the dark days before Christmas are as a long procession at the end of which shines such a light, the feast of the Nativity: the friendly lighthouse behind the rocks, when the water comes crashing against them on a dark night. This feast of Christmas has always been for us a bright spot, and may it always remain so.Here, the dark days before Christmas are as a long procession at the end of which shines such a light, the feast of the Nativity: the friendly lighthouse behind the rocks, when the water comes crashing against them on a dark night. This feast of Christmas has always been for us a bright spot, and may it always remain so. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Amsterdam, 19 November 1877
OK, I have made it to January of 1878. He's just 24 and still buried in studying to be a pastor. I don't know if he will manage to pass algebra. I will pause here and come back later. Just in case, here is the link to the entire exhibit: http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Idly noodling
OK, so I enjoy the look and aesthetic of steampunk, except that I am not as enamored of the bare gears, so I keep wondering if it's possible to build an art nouveau steampunk. Today, as my mind wandered, I pictured something like a flying fairy, but in a steampunk style.
So, this Alphonse Mucha print:
found at http://www.wikipaintings.org/en/alphonse-mucha/champagne-printer-publisher-1897
So, this Alphonse Mucha print:
found at http://www.wikipaintings.org/en/alphonse-mucha/champagne-printer-publisher-1897
it an inspiration piece - picture the circle behind her head as a set of articulated wings, with the breast piece as the harness that holds the wings on...maybe not these colors, but the basic decoration & shapes. I found a couple of tutorials on making articulated wings (harness here: http://whatishcc.com/tutorials/wingharness.php and wings here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62jhoXa4ckI&feature=g-list-p&list=PLiGil09G6fseOvV9PYjnlZX6h7Tshg3W1 ). They aren't exactly what I am envisioning, but...these are another possibiity ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-079u0IGeE )
Hmmm...noodling is fun :)
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Dreams
(written previously but not posted) I dreamt of you last night, my heart, though I'm not certain why you were wearing flannel and riding a bicycle. However it happened to be, I turned a corner and there you were, flashing your Peter Pan grin and wrapping me into your arms. We needed to get inside because it was cold and snowy out, so into your house we tucked, you and me and my girls and my mother (don't ask). The girls and Mother vanished somewhere, the way people do in dreams, and only you and I were left, so we curled up in your bed, wrapped around each other and rapt in one another,safe from the cold and snow outside. This dream reflects only what I wish could be, with you on the other side of the country and me here, but I loved sinking into your embrace, feeling your warmth, sharing soft caresses. I wonder, does your hair still spike up the way it does in my memories, soft and sharp all at once? Probably not, since you're not that same wild young man that you were, any more than I am who I was. Odd, that the look and texture of our hair should recall itself to my memory so clearly, when I can't quite recall the sound of your voice. Your hazel eyes, the flash of your smile, the touch of your hand, these all burn in my mind's eye, but softly, filtered through years and miles.
How many pieces of my soul did I trustingly give to you for safekeeping, all unknowing? Will I ever be able to take them again from your hands and restore them to myself? Or will I forever muddle along without them, having re-grown what I could in your absence?
Monday, November 19, 2012
Lincoln
Saw Lincoln yesterday, and am still trying to articulate why the film had such an impact for me. I mean, ok, this is far from the first film about Abraham Lincoln. It's not even the first really good film, with really good actors in the lead. So, why did this one particularly bring me to tears and have me cheering?
One reason, I think, is because the film humanized someone who is on the verge of being one of America's saints -The Great Emancipator, Honest Abe. Funny thing, the film humanized him without in any way diminishing him. Willingly or no, Abraham Lincoln was a great man, and the film emphasized that much of his greatness was wrapped up in his...humanity. His tendency to drive the people around him crazy with stories, his love for his sons (even when the relationship with Robert was so much stiffer and more awkward than the one with young Tad), the deep complexity of his relationship with Mary Todd, his own continual wrestling with sorrow...all of these things in the midst of leading the nation in a war that they emphatically didn't want, struggling to cajole and coerce a recalcitrant Congress to pass an amendment that I can't imagine a world without, that few others wanted at the time, that nearly broke the Union, and that extended the War for four more months and killed thousands more young men for the sake of its passage. When Lincoln was presented with the choice to bring the Richmond delegates to Washington and end the War in a week without ending slavery OR push for passage of the amendment and delay the end of the war for a hope that few, if any, believed was possible, I found myself thinking, "God, I NEVER want that job." Even knowing what Lincoln chose, I watched, spellbound, as he wrestled with his convictions and the certainty that more would die, the weight of those deaths bearing down on him even as the weight of those lives did.
There was also the way that the film felt so very current, the way so many arguments made by people around Lincoln and by Lincoln himself could have been made in Washington today. So many died. So many suffered, and we have those today who threaten to drag us back into that howling madness, who rattle their sabers and say that Civil War is coming and who will never pick up a gun themselves, but would rather throw their sons (my son!) and their grandchildren as living sacrifices into the fires of war than stand and use the process laid out by our founders to build our more perfect union (and, yes, I am having fun with rhetoric, why do you ask?).
Then again, the film caught the bare hint of the drama that became Reconstruction. Only Lincoln could have truly merged the country after the war, and his loss resulted in another hundred years of suffering and anger on both sides of the Mason-Dixon Line. I hear otherwise logical and respectable individuals become frothing maniacs on subjects that were last argued in the heat of battle over 100 years ago. I wish he had been there to argue and cajole and coerce us into truly settling our grievances with one another, or perhaps just setting us on the path to that instead of leaving us alone in our wrath and our pain to try and bind wounds that failed to heal properly. I found myself grieving, no only for his personal loss, but for the lasting damage that was done to the country with his death. Damage that has even now only imperfectly healed.
This film hit me on personal and intellectual levels. It provided that most rare and wonderful of theatrical experiences - full engagement. It goes on my short list of Must-See Movies.
One reason, I think, is because the film humanized someone who is on the verge of being one of America's saints -The Great Emancipator, Honest Abe. Funny thing, the film humanized him without in any way diminishing him. Willingly or no, Abraham Lincoln was a great man, and the film emphasized that much of his greatness was wrapped up in his...humanity. His tendency to drive the people around him crazy with stories, his love for his sons (even when the relationship with Robert was so much stiffer and more awkward than the one with young Tad), the deep complexity of his relationship with Mary Todd, his own continual wrestling with sorrow...all of these things in the midst of leading the nation in a war that they emphatically didn't want, struggling to cajole and coerce a recalcitrant Congress to pass an amendment that I can't imagine a world without, that few others wanted at the time, that nearly broke the Union, and that extended the War for four more months and killed thousands more young men for the sake of its passage. When Lincoln was presented with the choice to bring the Richmond delegates to Washington and end the War in a week without ending slavery OR push for passage of the amendment and delay the end of the war for a hope that few, if any, believed was possible, I found myself thinking, "God, I NEVER want that job." Even knowing what Lincoln chose, I watched, spellbound, as he wrestled with his convictions and the certainty that more would die, the weight of those deaths bearing down on him even as the weight of those lives did.
There was also the way that the film felt so very current, the way so many arguments made by people around Lincoln and by Lincoln himself could have been made in Washington today. So many died. So many suffered, and we have those today who threaten to drag us back into that howling madness, who rattle their sabers and say that Civil War is coming and who will never pick up a gun themselves, but would rather throw their sons (my son!) and their grandchildren as living sacrifices into the fires of war than stand and use the process laid out by our founders to build our more perfect union (and, yes, I am having fun with rhetoric, why do you ask?).
Then again, the film caught the bare hint of the drama that became Reconstruction. Only Lincoln could have truly merged the country after the war, and his loss resulted in another hundred years of suffering and anger on both sides of the Mason-Dixon Line. I hear otherwise logical and respectable individuals become frothing maniacs on subjects that were last argued in the heat of battle over 100 years ago. I wish he had been there to argue and cajole and coerce us into truly settling our grievances with one another, or perhaps just setting us on the path to that instead of leaving us alone in our wrath and our pain to try and bind wounds that failed to heal properly. I found myself grieving, no only for his personal loss, but for the lasting damage that was done to the country with his death. Damage that has even now only imperfectly healed.
This film hit me on personal and intellectual levels. It provided that most rare and wonderful of theatrical experiences - full engagement. It goes on my short list of Must-See Movies.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Realizations (eight years later)
*Edit: This was eight years ago, and I don't feel the same way exactly. On the other hand, I'm dumping old drafts. I don't want to lose these thoughts, so I'm hitting publish instead of delete.*
So, I had a critical realization today. I was having an IM conversation with a friend wherein I commented that I sometimes feel resentful in my relationship with my boyfriend. In reflecting back, I found myself wondering why resentment should be present. I love him and he loves me. He thinks of our relationship as a marriage and views me as his second wife. As I considered that, I understood where the resentment came from and mostly why.
You see, my attitude toward marriage can best be described as...ambivalent (on a good day anyway. On a bad day it's downright hostile). My experience of my own marriage was, while not entirely unpleasant, not anything that I really care to repeat. To have him describe us as in a relationship that I currently reject does not work for me, although I do understand that his experience of marriage is considerably different than my own.
The other part is that he never asked me to marry him. I never got the proposal or the ring or the ceremony or the simple request. Do you want to spend forever with just me (and my wife)? I got "I love you" "I want to be with you forever" "I want us to live our lives together" "If you want to be with me it has to be just me"...I don't remember being asked if that was what I wanted. (Honestly, I do remember him saying that and me replying, "How nice for you". See? Ambivalent.) So, the use of the term raised uncomfortable echoes of my first marriage wherein I was not asked either. We were pregnant. It was expected that we get married so we did. What either of us wanted really didn't enter into the equation. So old resentment gets applied to new relationship & then buried for five years or so. Not healthy.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend. He is good and kind and giving and loves me dearly and has seen me through some truly crazy periods in my life. I just...even seven years in, I guess I just want to be asked what I want and be brave enough to say it.
Yah, that was another realization. Sigh. It sucks to resent oneself.
Update: We talked about this today a bit. He at least won't refer to our relationship as "married (in [his] mind)", which I deeply appreciate. There are a lot of other things that he's not willing to understand or that I am doing a piss-poor job of communicating (or both), but at least we communicated successfully over that particular issue.
So, I had a critical realization today. I was having an IM conversation with a friend wherein I commented that I sometimes feel resentful in my relationship with my boyfriend. In reflecting back, I found myself wondering why resentment should be present. I love him and he loves me. He thinks of our relationship as a marriage and views me as his second wife. As I considered that, I understood where the resentment came from and mostly why.
You see, my attitude toward marriage can best be described as...ambivalent (on a good day anyway. On a bad day it's downright hostile). My experience of my own marriage was, while not entirely unpleasant, not anything that I really care to repeat. To have him describe us as in a relationship that I currently reject does not work for me, although I do understand that his experience of marriage is considerably different than my own.
The other part is that he never asked me to marry him. I never got the proposal or the ring or the ceremony or the simple request. Do you want to spend forever with just me (and my wife)? I got "I love you" "I want to be with you forever" "I want us to live our lives together" "If you want to be with me it has to be just me"...I don't remember being asked if that was what I wanted. (Honestly, I do remember him saying that and me replying, "How nice for you". See? Ambivalent.) So, the use of the term raised uncomfortable echoes of my first marriage wherein I was not asked either. We were pregnant. It was expected that we get married so we did. What either of us wanted really didn't enter into the equation. So old resentment gets applied to new relationship & then buried for five years or so. Not healthy.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend. He is good and kind and giving and loves me dearly and has seen me through some truly crazy periods in my life. I just...even seven years in, I guess I just want to be asked what I want and be brave enough to say it.
Yah, that was another realization. Sigh. It sucks to resent oneself.
Update: We talked about this today a bit. He at least won't refer to our relationship as "married (in [his] mind)", which I deeply appreciate. There are a lot of other things that he's not willing to understand or that I am doing a piss-poor job of communicating (or both), but at least we communicated successfully over that particular issue.
response to poly questions part 1 (edited)
*Note: this is still in process*
So, I read an article called "10 realistic rules for good non-monagamous relationships" at http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/which asked a number of excellent questions for self-exploration. This is a good idea for me. For the next couple of posts, I think I am going to try and explore my answers to the questions asked and the "rules" given, starting with the first 2 rules
Rule #1: Know yourself. - According to the article, my job is to be brutally honest with myself, no sugarcoating (& understand that the answers are not set in concrete, but in jello)
a. What kind of person are you?
I have been thinking about this question for two days, trying to articulate & work around defense mechanisms and scar tissue. I am a guarded person. I am a loving person…ok, that’s vague. I tend to be affectionate, but I also seek to truly love others; to help them to know that they are valuable and precious to me.I want the people around me to feel happy and safe and free to be themselves. I am a person who resists change, who doesn’t let go easily. I am intelligent (or at least give a good impression of same). I am (or try to be) pragmatic. I am fair-minded. I try to be logical. I am not inclined toward house-cleaning or manual labor, not even a little. I am good at seeming busy. I am not good at practical things and money makes me crazy. I can be impatient when I think someone isn’t trying. I hate to be teased (it feels like I’m being picked on).
b. What are your core values?
Fairness, loyalty, kindness, self-control, love
c. What are your life priorities?
…still working on this…I’m assuming that finding true love and living happily ever after is not considered a viable priority…sometimes it feels as though my priority is simply surviving from one month to the next. I want to be free to be who I am (whoever that is), to love life and the people in it, to not be afraid. I want my children to not suffer for my hang-ups (they are smart enough to come up with their own).
d. What are your needs within relationships?
I need to feel secure (financially, physically) and safe. I need to feel that I can depend on the other person to do what they say they’re going to do. I need affection and snuggling and play. I need to know that I am the most important person to someone.
e. What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
Dishonesty (if not outright lies, then certainly lies of omission) about needs and emotions; not wanting to communicate things that I think the other person doesn't want to hear; getting caught up in day-to-day and not making time special
f. Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
Thinking through past relationships...My ex married me out of guilt & expectation. He tried to "do the responsible thing" and that...didn't work. He didn't love me and that frankly colored all of his choices and actions even when it didn't. I tried too hard to be exactly what he wanted to the exclusion of my own needs, then resented him for making me exclude my own needs and took that resentment out on our relationship in the form of passivity. I didn't sabotage the relationship, but I didn't put my all into being in it either. I just let it happen. I didn't communicate my hurt and anger because I simply assumed that if I did so, he would leave, but in not communicating, I withdrew,which left him emotionally free to leave anyway,which he eventually did...Another lover, I simply became busy. He was unwilling to be monogamous or even commit to having me as a primary. A different lover was insistent upon me being exclusively with him, so I just...got busy until the non-monogamous partner found someone else. That may have left some scar tissue,as I think on it...And that is all of the past relationships that I have had that have ended.
g. How do you deal with conflict and anger?
Mostly avoidance. If someone else is angry, I just turtle up and take it. If I am angry, I try to repress or deflect the anger until it subsides.
h. How are your communication skills?
BAD (but if you think they’re bad now, you should have seen them when I was younger. They’ve actually improved.)
i. What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
(edited) I am attracted to intelligence, courtesy, warmth, stability...and power...I didn't like admitting that last one, but as I think over the people to whom I have been attracted, most of them have an aura of personal power. They aren't socially powerful necessarily, or in positions of power, it's that they have powerful wills. They more often than not have a powerful build. I tend to think of this as positive, but I can see where it could be problematic as well. Also, I have to acknowledge where that powerful will clashes with mine and I feel resentful. The stability that I crave can also be suffocating if handled poorly.
j. What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?
(edited) I am affectionate, reliable, and loyal. One does not need to hang a tape recorder around my neck in order to have a good conversation with me. I a a fairly good cook. I listen and am able (& willing) to learn. I don't change what I believe in order to be with someone, but neither do I demand that they change what they believe in order to be with me. I don't cling. If I agree to a set of rules, then I abide by them.
k. What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?
(edited) Sigh. my life is inherently chaotic. I live in a three ring circus. Even though it is largely of my own choosing, that doesn't make it any less nuts. I am healthy and employed, but lack a consistent schedule. I cause most of my own stress because I struggle with time management (& over-volunteering). My children are a major source of both stress and joy in my life, and whoever I am with needs to know that my children are essential to me.
Rule #2: Love yourself.
...what does this mean? The author says, "Not taking care of yourself is not an option." How do I take care of myself? I am trying to learn better how to articulate my needs, to not think for the other person or assume that they are not going to be willing to consider my needs. I think sometimes, I am not fair to other humans. I tend to take it for granted that I will be the one who will give in and "be nice", when I should possibly allow others to do so...I wonder why I don't?
So, I read an article called "10 realistic rules for good non-monagamous relationships" at http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/which asked a number of excellent questions for self-exploration. This is a good idea for me. For the next couple of posts, I think I am going to try and explore my answers to the questions asked and the "rules" given, starting with the first 2 rules
Rule #1: Know yourself. - According to the article, my job is to be brutally honest with myself, no sugarcoating (& understand that the answers are not set in concrete, but in jello)
a. What kind of person are you?
I have been thinking about this question for two days, trying to articulate & work around defense mechanisms and scar tissue. I am a guarded person. I am a loving person…ok, that’s vague. I tend to be affectionate, but I also seek to truly love others; to help them to know that they are valuable and precious to me.I want the people around me to feel happy and safe and free to be themselves. I am a person who resists change, who doesn’t let go easily. I am intelligent (or at least give a good impression of same). I am (or try to be) pragmatic. I am fair-minded. I try to be logical. I am not inclined toward house-cleaning or manual labor, not even a little. I am good at seeming busy. I am not good at practical things and money makes me crazy. I can be impatient when I think someone isn’t trying. I hate to be teased (it feels like I’m being picked on).
b. What are your core values?
Fairness, loyalty, kindness, self-control, love
c. What are your life priorities?
…still working on this…I’m assuming that finding true love and living happily ever after is not considered a viable priority…sometimes it feels as though my priority is simply surviving from one month to the next. I want to be free to be who I am (whoever that is), to love life and the people in it, to not be afraid. I want my children to not suffer for my hang-ups (they are smart enough to come up with their own).
d. What are your needs within relationships?
I need to feel secure (financially, physically) and safe. I need to feel that I can depend on the other person to do what they say they’re going to do. I need affection and snuggling and play. I need to know that I am the most important person to someone.
e. What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
Dishonesty (if not outright lies, then certainly lies of omission) about needs and emotions; not wanting to communicate things that I think the other person doesn't want to hear; getting caught up in day-to-day and not making time special
f. Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
Thinking through past relationships...My ex married me out of guilt & expectation. He tried to "do the responsible thing" and that...didn't work. He didn't love me and that frankly colored all of his choices and actions even when it didn't. I tried too hard to be exactly what he wanted to the exclusion of my own needs, then resented him for making me exclude my own needs and took that resentment out on our relationship in the form of passivity. I didn't sabotage the relationship, but I didn't put my all into being in it either. I just let it happen. I didn't communicate my hurt and anger because I simply assumed that if I did so, he would leave, but in not communicating, I withdrew,which left him emotionally free to leave anyway,which he eventually did...Another lover, I simply became busy. He was unwilling to be monogamous or even commit to having me as a primary. A different lover was insistent upon me being exclusively with him, so I just...got busy until the non-monogamous partner found someone else. That may have left some scar tissue,as I think on it...And that is all of the past relationships that I have had that have ended.
g. How do you deal with conflict and anger?
Mostly avoidance. If someone else is angry, I just turtle up and take it. If I am angry, I try to repress or deflect the anger until it subsides.
h. How are your communication skills?
BAD (but if you think they’re bad now, you should have seen them when I was younger. They’ve actually improved.)
i. What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
(edited) I am attracted to intelligence, courtesy, warmth, stability...and power...I didn't like admitting that last one, but as I think over the people to whom I have been attracted, most of them have an aura of personal power. They aren't socially powerful necessarily, or in positions of power, it's that they have powerful wills. They more often than not have a powerful build. I tend to think of this as positive, but I can see where it could be problematic as well. Also, I have to acknowledge where that powerful will clashes with mine and I feel resentful. The stability that I crave can also be suffocating if handled poorly.
j. What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?
(edited) I am affectionate, reliable, and loyal. One does not need to hang a tape recorder around my neck in order to have a good conversation with me. I a a fairly good cook. I listen and am able (& willing) to learn. I don't change what I believe in order to be with someone, but neither do I demand that they change what they believe in order to be with me. I don't cling. If I agree to a set of rules, then I abide by them.
k. What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?
(edited) Sigh. my life is inherently chaotic. I live in a three ring circus. Even though it is largely of my own choosing, that doesn't make it any less nuts. I am healthy and employed, but lack a consistent schedule. I cause most of my own stress because I struggle with time management (& over-volunteering). My children are a major source of both stress and joy in my life, and whoever I am with needs to know that my children are essential to me.
Rule #2: Love yourself.
...what does this mean? The author says, "Not taking care of yourself is not an option." How do I take care of myself? I am trying to learn better how to articulate my needs, to not think for the other person or assume that they are not going to be willing to consider my needs. I think sometimes, I am not fair to other humans. I tend to take it for granted that I will be the one who will give in and "be nice", when I should possibly allow others to do so...I wonder why I don't?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
TEA Form
Borrowed from the Compersion group on fetlife
(something I need to keep handy)
(something I need to keep handy)
KNOWN AS TEA FORM
All this requires is a pencil and paper. You draw 2
verticle lines on a piece of paper that will create 3 columns. In the first
column, label it THOUGHT(S). In the 2nd column, label it ERROR(S). 3rd column
label it ANALYSIS or ANSWER.
When you have a thought, write it under the THOUGHT
column, then proceed to ERROR, (With the ERROR COLUMN, refer to the list of
THINKING ERRORS below to label the error) then on to ANALYSIS/ANSWER.
THINKING ERRORS THAT PEOPLE MAKE:
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: This is where you
overestimate the likelihood that a negative event is going to happen, despite
overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This causes anticipatory anxiety.
BLOWING THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION: Making a mountain
out of a molehill or viewing events/situations catastrophic/insufferable when
they really aren't.
EXTREME THINKING: Where you see everything as either
good or completely bad. Nothing can fall in the middle with this type of
thinking.
GLOBALIZING: This is where you take 1 instance, and
forever turn it into a universal event that will occur over & over again.
EMOTIONAL BLOCKING: Where you give your feelings
overriding importance. Just because YOU feel a certain way, does not make it
reality. If your thoughts are inaccurate, your feelings are, too.
REALITY FILTER: Where you zero in on 1 negative
detail and not seeing the rest of the big picture.
IGNORING THE POSITIVE: You refuse to give yourself
credit for any of your accomplishments. IE: Oh well, anybody could have done
that.
OMNIPOTENCE ERROR: You think you are responsible for
events that are completely beyond your control.
COUNTERPRODUCTIVE MOTIVATION: Basically
procrastinating. "I need to do this", " I should do this",
"I have to do that". This type of language makes you feel guilty
because it makes the task seem so enormous. Everything IS NOT a task.
NAMING: You label yourself or others if something is
not done correctly. IE: I'm such a loser or calling someone else a jerk.
Here's an example:
THOUGHT: The TEA Form exercise won't help me.
ERROR: From the list above, this answer would be
"JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS".
ANALYSIS/ANSWER: I won't know until I try it. If I
try it and it works, I'll be glad I took the time to do it.
2ND EXAMPLE:
THOUGHT: The TEA Form will be too difficult.
ERROR: JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS AND EMOTIONAL
BLOCKING.
ANALYSIS: It feels this way because I'm overwhelming
myself with negative thoughts. Things are rarely as difficult as they appear to
be.
3rd EXAMPLE:
THOUGHT: I'm not very good at stuff like this.
ERROR: GLOBALIZING, REALITY FILTER, NAMING AND
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
ANALYSIS: Now, I'm making excuses to keep from
trying this. No wonder I don't want to try with all the negatives swirling
around in my head. I'll never find out if I don't try it. The sooner I get to
working on this exercise, the sooner all those irrational thoughts will
disappear and I will begin to feel better. It will become easier after doing it
several times. I can do most things when I put my mind to it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Growl! (resolved)
**Edit: Eight years on, life is better, and I'm once again deciding to hit publish instead of delete because I don't want to lose the thoughts, even if the situation has resolved itself (favorably, I might add)**
I can't post vague passive aggressive crap on facebook, so I'm just going to growl really loudly here. Once I have growled, I am going to go back to behaving like a grown-up and not a rabid wolverine.
So, when I am dealing with something emotional or hurtful, I typically will find someone I trust to vent all of the irrational crap to so that I can return to being logical and actually dealing with the situation. See, the list of people that I can actually trust to tell about emotional issues is shorter by one person tonight, and that pisses me right off. I was very clear (I thought) when communicating to said person, that I need to say certain things out loud so that I DO NOT act on them, so that I can hear how stupid they sound outside of my head, because when they are resonating in between my ears they gain power that they should not have. This is one of the ways that I am able to be reasonable and logical and forgiving and accepting of others and not be a screaming crazy bitch monster (most of the time). It is a necessary safety valve for me. This person then took what I had said as I was venting and reported it back to the person about whom I was venting. That may have been the right thing for this person to do, but I bitterly resent having words that I said in someplace that I thought I was SAFE come back to bite my ass (even for my own good). It is hard enough for me to just vent out loud to another human, and to have one take a decision out of my hands "for my own good" or "for the good of the relationship" or whatever, makes me angry because now even that little outlet is closed to me. I am stuck back inside my g_d-damned head again. And then,when I expressed this anger about what I saw as a personal betrayal to the third party, it became my fault. I was saying things that were wrong and mean and I needed to be honest with those things. Well, duh! I knew I was saying mean things. I was saying them out loud so that I could get rid of them and behave like an adult in public. Saying those things out loud released some of the anger that I was holding on to, as well as the feelings of abandonment and rejection so that I could deal with right and necessary changes like a fucking grownup and not like a crazy bitch, because that was how I FELT. I felt hurt and unhappy, and because I rationally knew that no-one was trying to make me feel hurt or unhappy, I needed to vocalize those emotions so that they went away. Instead, they got amplified by what I (rightfully, I think) see as a well-meaning betrayal of trust. The fact that one person betrayed my trust and another person then acted on that information means that I was also ganged up on. I know that I really wasn't, and they both love me and want the best for me and stuff,, but damn, it was a bit clumsily handled. The worst part is...I won't say anything out loud. I won't tell the person that I felt personally betrayed by their good intentions...maybe I will,but knowing me, I'll soft-pedal it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings which will render whatever I say to be utterly impotent.
I hate feeling like I'e been judged and then handled. I hate it when people presume to think for me or act for my own good. I am an adult and if I want to be stupid, I have that right. I am willing to grant other adults that right. At the very least, that person needed to tell me that they were going to betray my trust instead of treating me like a damned child. And, by the way, what if some of the things that I said in the heat of the moment were not especially True? What if they were emotional blurts that just needed to escape so that I could act more honestly? How, exactly, was it helpful to anyone to then convey these emotional blurts to someone else that they would just hurt?
Let me give an example: I say out loud that I will simply stop snuggling with another person & they'll eventually figure out that I'm not going to be involved with them. What I do NOT say is that I felt like that person was already going away anyway (having found another shiny new person to play with) AND I watched Dave do that to multiple people AND it sickened me when he did it AND I would really rather not be that guy AND I just needed to hear myself say the words out loud to be reminded that I refuse to be Dave. But the person listening did not know any of the things going on inside my head, nor did they ask. They simply went and flapped their lips to the third party in question, causing needless hurt over a thing that I would not do to a dog I disliked. I did feel that if the person was leaving anyway (as I felt they were doing), I would simply not attempt to stop them or hold them to me, because that would be the fair and right thing to do, to let them go and be happy. However, I would not withhold physical affection or hide from giving it just to chase a person away. That's the scummiest, most whorish thing I can think of doing to another person, and one of the most important people in the word to me now thinks that I am capable of that very thing because someone I thought I could trust can't keep their tongue between their teeth. Yep, me is pissed off.
Since I can't stand in my kitchen now and share this with a trusted friend, I am just typing it here. I am hurt and angry and I really HATE feeling this way. And the person I most want to talk to about it is on the side of the one whose pretty, helpful little dagger is currently decorating my shoulder blades, and really doesn't need me in their life anyway. And this is the last you'll hear about it from me.
I can't post vague passive aggressive crap on facebook, so I'm just going to growl really loudly here. Once I have growled, I am going to go back to behaving like a grown-up and not a rabid wolverine.
So, when I am dealing with something emotional or hurtful, I typically will find someone I trust to vent all of the irrational crap to so that I can return to being logical and actually dealing with the situation. See, the list of people that I can actually trust to tell about emotional issues is shorter by one person tonight, and that pisses me right off. I was very clear (I thought) when communicating to said person, that I need to say certain things out loud so that I DO NOT act on them, so that I can hear how stupid they sound outside of my head, because when they are resonating in between my ears they gain power that they should not have. This is one of the ways that I am able to be reasonable and logical and forgiving and accepting of others and not be a screaming crazy bitch monster (most of the time). It is a necessary safety valve for me. This person then took what I had said as I was venting and reported it back to the person about whom I was venting. That may have been the right thing for this person to do, but I bitterly resent having words that I said in someplace that I thought I was SAFE come back to bite my ass (even for my own good). It is hard enough for me to just vent out loud to another human, and to have one take a decision out of my hands "for my own good" or "for the good of the relationship" or whatever, makes me angry because now even that little outlet is closed to me. I am stuck back inside my g_d-damned head again. And then,when I expressed this anger about what I saw as a personal betrayal to the third party, it became my fault. I was saying things that were wrong and mean and I needed to be honest with those things. Well, duh! I knew I was saying mean things. I was saying them out loud so that I could get rid of them and behave like an adult in public. Saying those things out loud released some of the anger that I was holding on to, as well as the feelings of abandonment and rejection so that I could deal with right and necessary changes like a fucking grownup and not like a crazy bitch, because that was how I FELT. I felt hurt and unhappy, and because I rationally knew that no-one was trying to make me feel hurt or unhappy, I needed to vocalize those emotions so that they went away. Instead, they got amplified by what I (rightfully, I think) see as a well-meaning betrayal of trust. The fact that one person betrayed my trust and another person then acted on that information means that I was also ganged up on. I know that I really wasn't, and they both love me and want the best for me and stuff,, but damn, it was a bit clumsily handled. The worst part is...I won't say anything out loud. I won't tell the person that I felt personally betrayed by their good intentions...maybe I will,but knowing me, I'll soft-pedal it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings which will render whatever I say to be utterly impotent.
I hate feeling like I'e been judged and then handled. I hate it when people presume to think for me or act for my own good. I am an adult and if I want to be stupid, I have that right. I am willing to grant other adults that right. At the very least, that person needed to tell me that they were going to betray my trust instead of treating me like a damned child. And, by the way, what if some of the things that I said in the heat of the moment were not especially True? What if they were emotional blurts that just needed to escape so that I could act more honestly? How, exactly, was it helpful to anyone to then convey these emotional blurts to someone else that they would just hurt?
Let me give an example: I say out loud that I will simply stop snuggling with another person & they'll eventually figure out that I'm not going to be involved with them. What I do NOT say is that I felt like that person was already going away anyway (having found another shiny new person to play with) AND I watched Dave do that to multiple people AND it sickened me when he did it AND I would really rather not be that guy AND I just needed to hear myself say the words out loud to be reminded that I refuse to be Dave. But the person listening did not know any of the things going on inside my head, nor did they ask. They simply went and flapped their lips to the third party in question, causing needless hurt over a thing that I would not do to a dog I disliked. I did feel that if the person was leaving anyway (as I felt they were doing), I would simply not attempt to stop them or hold them to me, because that would be the fair and right thing to do, to let them go and be happy. However, I would not withhold physical affection or hide from giving it just to chase a person away. That's the scummiest, most whorish thing I can think of doing to another person, and one of the most important people in the word to me now thinks that I am capable of that very thing because someone I thought I could trust can't keep their tongue between their teeth. Yep, me is pissed off.
Since I can't stand in my kitchen now and share this with a trusted friend, I am just typing it here. I am hurt and angry and I really HATE feeling this way. And the person I most want to talk to about it is on the side of the one whose pretty, helpful little dagger is currently decorating my shoulder blades, and really doesn't need me in their life anyway. And this is the last you'll hear about it from me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Idle hands
Trapped inside my bone house
Peering through the windows -
Is anyone out there
Looking in?
Got my pretty pictures up
Covering all the walls -
Dreams and wishes and all
of the maybe's ever
Rooms full of wondering -
Light as air, almost as
real, except they're in here
with me
'Cuz I have blocked the doors
Gotta keep them safe
It's cold out there and dreams
are fragile
Peering through the windows -
Is anyone out there
Looking in?
Got my pretty pictures up
Covering all the walls -
Dreams and wishes and all
of the maybe's ever
Rooms full of wondering -
Light as air, almost as
real, except they're in here
with me
'Cuz I have blocked the doors
Gotta keep them safe
It's cold out there and dreams
are fragile
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Feeling Reckless
Ok, so this week has been really stressful for me, between getting back to work and dealing with (the utter lack of) money and helping my daughter through band camp (without any more urgent care visits than are absolutely necessary) and getting ready for school to start and the various emotional dramas that inevitably emerge with too much estrogen in a small space. Stress makes me reckless, and by reckless I mean an attitude of "Well, life basically sucks so I may as well do something abysmally stupid just because I want to regardless of the list of consequences that I can already see forming". Often this involves spending money on some spur of the moment subscription that I only sort-of want and absolutely can't afford, but money's too tight for even that right now. Besides, I said reckless, not self-destructive. So instead, the recklessness has been refocused by having had no especial, um, outlet for stress for over a month. I've been able to take the edge off so to speak, but self-satisfaction really isn't satisfactory after a certain point. Right now I'm so horny that it feels like ants are crawling under my skin all the time. This is NOT a good combination with stress induced recklessness. Just. Not. Grr.
Monday, July 9, 2012
eating the bread of idleness
...has been my habit far too much of late. Ok, it's not like I didn't get out of the house today. That's not what I meant. I went to JoAnn's & picked fabric & patterns for dresses for my girls (2 patterns, 4 dresses & they are going to look adorable!). I stopped at the farmer's market by the mall & visited with Ali at the Brother's Products stand for a bit before going into the bookstore to wait for my niece to finish her writing assignment. I even worked on a task that I picked up for GWW. The thing is, when you put all of that time together, it's only a couple of hours, maybe 6 out of the 16 or so that I have been awake. What did I do for the other ten hours? I can take out another hour for eating (all meals). Finished book 1 of "Tom Jones" by Henry Fielding (& learned what the phrase nolo episcopari means). Maybe drifting is something I need to learn how to do, but it just feels odd, to be so disengaged...or maybe it doesn't feel odd at all & I'm finally starting to feel uncomfortable about that. Hmm.
Ali at the Farmer's Market -
Ali at the Farmer's Market -
- obviously tired today. It was the end of the market & he just wanted to sit & relax. was charmingly honest about this
- is maybe 25 - very handsome Jordanian (black eyes, shining dark hair, slender, quick friendly smile; his very strong nose saves him from being merely pretty)
- decided that I was a sympathetic listener (apparently, my motherly aura was particularly strong today)
- left Jordan mostly against his will before he turned 16 - his parents divorced when he was a toddler & his father went to America. Just before his older brother was due to turn 16 (& be required to serve in the army - at 16!), his father returned to take the boys to America. He didn't want to go, didn't want to leave his mother, but his brother really wanted to go. Mom took a stand and said that either both boys went or neither did. Ali was convinced to see his brother's side of things & they moved with their father to Indiana. (I don't know if he ever saw his mother again. He did say that she is dead now. She must have loved him immensely to send him away so firmly.)
- Life with Dad & the Step-mom (African-American woman with 3 kids of her own) was not good. No English. Trying to fit in with Dad's new family. Culture shock. The beatings (his word - may or may not be as severe a word as it sounds. He clearly contrasted his experience with his father to his mother who never laid a finger on him & bought him gifts to make up for the one time that she yelled at him in anger.) began within a month or so of arriving & continued regularly regardless of success in school. Some of what he said sounded so familiar, so similar to what another person has told me about his own father (who is Lebanese), I wonder about some elements of the culture...some of the expectations. Anyway, older brother turned 18 & left, never to darken their door again, & Ali had to deal with Everything by himself. He tried reporting the abuse to the school counselor who then told his father...the beatings continued (needless to say). When he was 16, his English languge teacher reached out to him, treated him like a human being, & helped him emancipate himself. He was surprised at how quick and easy the process was, only a week. His father was surprised when the police came with Ali so he could gather his things and move out.
- He finished high school, worked full time when he could, graduated early at 17. He was motivated by the fact that the police told him that if he didn't succeed, then he would go right back to his father.
- When he turned 18, he went a bit wild. Stopped college. Stopped working. Just played. Traveled with his best friend to New Orleans where they lived for a year and a half (good times). Then moved to Michigan for a time (where all of the Arabs live, according to him). When they got to Michigan, they were so glad to have familiar food that they each ate two full platefuls at the restaurant where they stopped. The waitress there took them under her wing, showed them around town, helped them get work and a place to live, cooked for them once a week, and was effectively a sister to them (though she indicated that she was willing to be otherwise, they didn't want to mess up the friendship). They stayed there for a time, then moved on to Chicago, South Dakota, California.
- In settling in Socal, he & his friend moved in next to a family that seems to have adopted him. They feed him, check in with him, helped him finish college. He's not alone even though his blood family is not around (this was important to him, he mentioned it several times).
- He talked often about how kindness really matters. People have been kind to him, and blessed him all through his life. He tries to be kind to, to give where there is need.
- Do all Middle Eastern men talk so much? or have I just been lucky to meet two who do?
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Using my Words
(Note: I am typing this more for my sake than for an
audience, so…you’ve been warned)
(Hmm, Independence Day.
What an odd day to write this…but it works for me…)
So, lemme start with some background:
1.
(distant past) Once upon a time, when I was
young, I wrote down how I felt about a person in a letter to my
brother-in-law. The notebook wherein I
had written said letter was found, and I was openly mocked by 15 or 20 people,
including the person that I had mentioned having feelings for…since then I don’t
put important stuff into writing if I can help it. In addition, because of my
own reticent nature and upbringing by older parents, I tend also to repress
verbally when it comes to sexual matters.
I’m not quite so tied up and Victorian that “legs” become “limbs”, but
it is far too easy for me to “lie back and think of England” mode rather than
to use my not inconsiderable vocabulary to express my sexual needs and give my
partner direction. (Yah, I don’t have
issues there, I have subscriptions. I’ll
have to unpack that eventually.)
2.
(somewhat recent past) The dear friend who
helped introduce me to kink encouraged me to “learn how to use my words”. He worked with me to get me to be able to
speak more about my feelings and/or needs.
So, anyway, one (several) of my challenges on this path relating to
courage is to speak – to my partner, of my desires generally and specifically,
and to write. Write anything. Analysis.
Desires. Whatever. So, this is me writing. It won’t be brilliant or moving or erotic
(sigh. In fact, inane is the adjective
that’s coming to mind at the moment), but it is something that I need to learn
to do.
3.
(very recent past) This week has been so very
interesting (in that Chinese kind of way), and a great deal of scar tissue has
been activated by events entirely out of my control. All week, I have fought to keep myself from
slipping back into that old crazy, because NOBODY needs me to go there (least
of all me).
Alright, that’s the background. Now, to the point…
This morning, we were curled up in bed, and my sweetie was
simply holding me, being respectful of my stress. Normally, this is a pretty easy thing for
him, but he really went hard at yesterday’s fighter practice and that gets him
amped. So he was trying to comfort me
while holding back his own urgency. This
wasn’t fair, clearly, but neither would me rolling over and “thinking of
England” have been (an unfortunate tendency of mine). Today I tried the “and” approach, hoping we
could both get what we needed. First, I
asked if he could stroke my skin in long, slow pets. These are still comforting, but since I am a
sensation hog, they also woke up my sensual side, got me purring and wanting
more. Yay for my first use of words.
We lay there spooning, his arm curved above my head and our
hands loosely clasped there. Another
suggestion came to mind. I asked him to
shift his hand slightly and grasp firmly around my wrist. The contrast of the secure grip with the
soft, sensuous pets distracted me even more from this week’s internal monologue
of nuts. Trapped by my wrist being held
slightly above my head, I turned my body in, to get more petting, which was
becoming increasingly intimate.
I asked my sweetie to wrap his leg around mine, further
pinning me in place and in a position that left me both secure and
exposed. This completely re-focused my
attention to matters at hands and ramped up my interest levels intensely. Both of us soon found a certain noisy
satisfaction.
(ok, latent Victorianism kicking in for a sec, sorry, but in
case you haven’t been keeping count, this now makes three instances of using my
words to express specific needs or wants.)
But, he wasn’t done yet, as is often the case. We curled up once more, panting a bit, and he
continued that maddening long, slow petting.
Needing to focus, I asked my sweetie to grasp my neck, just
at the collarbone, and to give some of the weight of his hand to my chest. This is a pin that feels like it could be a
chokehold without ever truly becoming one. With his thumb and forefinger just putting the
slightest pressure on my jugular vein, and his meaty hand bearing down just
enough on my windpipe and sternum, I could only freeze. Every bit of my attention riveted on his hand
and getting oxygen. In slow, halting
words, I explained to him exactly what was happening in my head and where I was
focused. He listened carefully and
responded.
This time the orgasm nearly bowed me double, and I’m afraid
I clawed him right on a bruise left from practice. He didn’t seem to mind.
I still need to suss out why that neck grip works (though I’m
sure I know folks who could explain it).
It seems to have a similar effect when you are training a dog and want
them to be calmer. (Not touching that)
So, today I used my words and it worked. J And I’m writing it
down and leaving it out there.
…Independence Day…yep.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Spring brings stuff
So many changes...
- I'm now a peer of the realm, a Pelican to be exact. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that mens or how my SCA experience is different now that the dust has settled from the actual elevation. On the other hand, I have 2 really great new outfits & a pattern that fits. I may be sewing a bunch more.
- Twinkie is now a 9th grader. Still wrapping my brain around that. I'll likely be more traumatized come the fall.
- Tall Boy is all twitterpated about a girl (& she in return is twitterpated about him). I'm really ok with this. Yes, she has a bit of mileage, but she has come through it on her own. She does not need to be rescued. She is sane and strong and funny and smart and warm and generous and ambitious and energetic and full of integrity. I think he made a very good choice. Since she doesn't need to rescue Tall Boy either, and he is basically sane (as much as anyone in our family is) and healthy and generally wonderful, I think this is a win-win relationship no matter how long it happens to last.
- I am trying to figure out how to afford walkabout. Yuck.
- I need to lose more weight.
- The school year is almost over, so yay. I just have to get paperwork finished & rough syllabi up.
- Boogie is apparently writing a novel. This is a good thing. She turns 13 in a few days. I'm not certain if I'm ready for this. I know her father & his wife aren't, & they get Little Miss Kaboom for the summer.
- This summer I need to get back to writing regularly. I'm not entirely certain how this is going to happen with my laptop in the shop, but I'll figure it out. Sigh.
Just recently, I re-read Reiner Maria Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet". He always makes me want to re-visit my creativity, try to find it again.
Today I read a book about Katie Bieshline's mother, Elsie, when she was a teacher in Arizona from 1913 to 1916. It was a really interesting book, but it made me homesick for Palomar. It also reminded me how very much I treasure that whole turn-of-the-century mindset and how very far from that ideal I have strayed. Sigh. I just never could manage to be good, or stay strong for the right choices. The thought occurs to me that the kind of man I want to fall in love with died out in 1918. Ah well, I will just have to put a positive face on it & do the best I can. "Every day is fresh with no mistakes in it...yet"
The two books are mentioned just to give an idea of changes happening in my noggin as I sweep around and stir up the accumulated dust of the year. Lets see if I can make a clean sweep...
- I'm now a peer of the realm, a Pelican to be exact. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that mens or how my SCA experience is different now that the dust has settled from the actual elevation. On the other hand, I have 2 really great new outfits & a pattern that fits. I may be sewing a bunch more.
- Twinkie is now a 9th grader. Still wrapping my brain around that. I'll likely be more traumatized come the fall.
- Tall Boy is all twitterpated about a girl (& she in return is twitterpated about him). I'm really ok with this. Yes, she has a bit of mileage, but she has come through it on her own. She does not need to be rescued. She is sane and strong and funny and smart and warm and generous and ambitious and energetic and full of integrity. I think he made a very good choice. Since she doesn't need to rescue Tall Boy either, and he is basically sane (as much as anyone in our family is) and healthy and generally wonderful, I think this is a win-win relationship no matter how long it happens to last.
- I am trying to figure out how to afford walkabout. Yuck.
- I need to lose more weight.
- The school year is almost over, so yay. I just have to get paperwork finished & rough syllabi up.
- Boogie is apparently writing a novel. This is a good thing. She turns 13 in a few days. I'm not certain if I'm ready for this. I know her father & his wife aren't, & they get Little Miss Kaboom for the summer.
- This summer I need to get back to writing regularly. I'm not entirely certain how this is going to happen with my laptop in the shop, but I'll figure it out. Sigh.
Just recently, I re-read Reiner Maria Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet". He always makes me want to re-visit my creativity, try to find it again.
Today I read a book about Katie Bieshline's mother, Elsie, when she was a teacher in Arizona from 1913 to 1916. It was a really interesting book, but it made me homesick for Palomar. It also reminded me how very much I treasure that whole turn-of-the-century mindset and how very far from that ideal I have strayed. Sigh. I just never could manage to be good, or stay strong for the right choices. The thought occurs to me that the kind of man I want to fall in love with died out in 1918. Ah well, I will just have to put a positive face on it & do the best I can. "Every day is fresh with no mistakes in it...yet"
The two books are mentioned just to give an idea of changes happening in my noggin as I sweep around and stir up the accumulated dust of the year. Lets see if I can make a clean sweep...
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