response to poly questions part 1 (edited)

 *Note: this is still in process*

So, I read an article called "10 realistic rules for good non-monagamous relationships" at http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/which asked a number of excellent questions for self-exploration. This is a good idea for me. For the next couple of posts, I think I am going to try and explore my answers to the questions asked and the "rules" given, starting with the first 2 rules

Rule #1: Know yourself. - According to the article, my job is to be brutally honest with myself, no sugarcoating (& understand that the answers are not set in concrete, but in jello)

a. What kind of person are you?

I have been thinking about this question for two days, trying to articulate & work around defense mechanisms and scar tissue. I am a guarded person. I am a loving person…ok, that’s vague. I tend to be affectionate, but I also seek to truly love others; to help them to know that they are valuable and precious to me.I want the people around me to feel happy and safe and free to be themselves.  I am a person who resists change, who doesn’t let go easily. I am intelligent (or at least give a good impression of same). I am (or try to be) pragmatic. I am fair-minded. I try to be logical. I am not inclined toward house-cleaning or manual labor, not even a little. I am good at seeming busy. I am not good at practical things and money makes me crazy. I can be impatient when I think someone isn’t trying. I hate to be teased (it feels like I’m being picked on).

b. What are your core values?

Fairness, loyalty, kindness, self-control, love

c. What are your life priorities?

…still working on this…I’m assuming that finding true love and living happily ever after is not considered a viable priority…sometimes it feels as though my priority is simply surviving from one month to the next. I want to be free to be who I am (whoever that is), to love life and the people in it, to not be afraid.  I want my children to not suffer for my hang-ups (they are smart enough to come up with their own).

d. What are your needs within relationships?

I need to feel secure (financially, physically) and safe. I need to feel that I can depend on the other person to do what they say they’re going to do. I need affection and snuggling and play. I need to know that I am the most important person to someone.

e. What are your shortcomings within your relationships?

Dishonesty (if not outright lies, then certainly lies of omission) about needs and emotions; not wanting to communicate things that I think the other person doesn't want to hear; getting caught up in day-to-day and not making time special

f. Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?

Thinking through past relationships...My ex married me out of guilt & expectation.  He tried to "do the responsible thing" and that...didn't work.  He didn't love me and that frankly colored all of his choices and actions even when it didn't.  I tried too hard to be exactly what he wanted to the exclusion of my own needs, then resented him for making me exclude my own needs and took that resentment out on our relationship in the form of passivity.  I didn't sabotage the relationship, but I didn't put my all into being in it either.  I just let it happen.  I didn't communicate my hurt and anger because I simply assumed that if I did so, he would leave, but in not communicating, I withdrew,which left him emotionally free to leave anyway,which he eventually did...Another lover, I simply became busy. He was unwilling to be monogamous or even commit to having me as a primary.  A different lover was insistent upon me being exclusively with him, so I just...got busy until the non-monogamous partner found someone else.  That may have left some scar tissue,as I think on it...And that is all of the past relationships that I have had that have ended.

g. How do you deal with conflict and anger?

Mostly avoidance. If someone else is angry, I just turtle up and take it. If I am angry, I try to repress or deflect the anger until it subsides.

h. How are your communication skills?

BAD (but if you think they’re bad now, you should have seen them when I was younger. They’ve actually improved.)

i. What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?

(edited) I am attracted to intelligence, courtesy, warmth, stability...and power...I didn't like admitting that last one, but as I think over the people to whom I have been attracted, most of them have an aura of personal power.  They aren't socially powerful necessarily, or in positions of power, it's that they have powerful wills.   They more often than not have a powerful build.  I tend to think of this as positive, but I can see where it could be problematic as well.  Also, I have to acknowledge where that powerful will clashes with mine and I feel resentful.  The stability that I crave can also be suffocating if handled poorly.

j. What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?

(edited) I am affectionate, reliable, and loyal.  One does not need to hang a tape recorder around my neck in order to have a good conversation with me. I a a fairly good cook.  I listen and am able (& willing) to learn.  I don't change what I believe in order to be with someone, but neither do I demand that they change what they believe in order to be with me.  I don't cling. If I agree to a set of rules, then I abide by them.

k. What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?

(edited) Sigh.  my life is inherently chaotic.  I live in a three ring circus.  Even though it is largely of my own choosing, that doesn't make it any less nuts.  I am healthy and employed, but lack a consistent schedule.  I cause most of my own stress because I struggle with time management (& over-volunteering).  My children are a major source of both stress and joy in my life, and whoever I am with needs to know that my children are essential to me.

Rule #2: Love yourself.

...what does this mean?  The author says, "Not taking care of yourself is not an option." How do I take care of myself?  I am trying to learn better how to articulate my needs, to not think for the other person or assume that they are not going to be willing to consider my needs.  I think sometimes, I am not fair to other humans.  I tend to take it for granted that I will be the one who will give in and "be nice", when I should possibly allow others to do so...I wonder why I don't?