**Edit: Eight years on, life is better, and I'm once again deciding to hit publish instead of delete because I don't want to lose the thoughts, even if the situation has resolved itself (favorably, I might add)**
I can't post vague passive aggressive crap on facebook, so I'm just going to growl really loudly here. Once I have growled, I am going to go back to behaving like a grown-up and not a rabid wolverine.
So, when I am dealing with something emotional or hurtful, I typically will find someone I trust to vent all of the irrational crap to so that I can return to being logical and actually dealing with the situation. See, the list of people that I can actually trust to tell about emotional issues is shorter by one person tonight, and that pisses me right off. I was very clear (I thought) when communicating to said person, that I need to say certain things out loud so that I DO NOT act on them, so that I can hear how stupid they sound outside of my head, because when they are resonating in between my ears they gain power that they should not have. This is one of the ways that I am able to be reasonable and logical and forgiving and accepting of others and not be a screaming crazy bitch monster (most of the time). It is a necessary safety valve for me. This person then took what I had said as I was venting and reported it back to the person about whom I was venting. That may have been the right thing for this person to do, but I bitterly resent having words that I said in someplace that I thought I was SAFE come back to bite my ass (even for my own good). It is hard enough for me to just vent out loud to another human, and to have one take a decision out of my hands "for my own good" or "for the good of the relationship" or whatever, makes me angry because now even that little outlet is closed to me. I am stuck back inside my g_d-damned head again. And then,when I expressed this anger about what I saw as a personal betrayal to the third party, it became my fault. I was saying things that were wrong and mean and I needed to be honest with those things. Well, duh! I knew I was saying mean things. I was saying them out loud so that I could get rid of them and behave like an adult in public. Saying those things out loud released some of the anger that I was holding on to, as well as the feelings of abandonment and rejection so that I could deal with right and necessary changes like a fucking grownup and not like a crazy bitch, because that was how I FELT. I felt hurt and unhappy, and because I rationally knew that no-one was trying to make me feel hurt or unhappy, I needed to vocalize those emotions so that they went away. Instead, they got amplified by what I (rightfully, I think) see as a well-meaning betrayal of trust. The fact that one person betrayed my trust and another person then acted on that information means that I was also ganged up on. I know that I really wasn't, and they both love me and want the best for me and stuff,, but damn, it was a bit clumsily handled. The worst part is...I won't say anything out loud. I won't tell the person that I felt personally betrayed by their good intentions...maybe I will,but knowing me, I'll soft-pedal it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings which will render whatever I say to be utterly impotent.
I hate feeling like I'e been judged and then handled. I hate it when people presume to think for me or act for my own good. I am an adult and if I want to be stupid, I have that right. I am willing to grant other adults that right. At the very least, that person needed to tell me that they were going to betray my trust instead of treating me like a damned child. And, by the way, what if some of the things that I said in the heat of the moment were not especially True? What if they were emotional blurts that just needed to escape so that I could act more honestly? How, exactly, was it helpful to anyone to then convey these emotional blurts to someone else that they would just hurt?
Let me give an example: I say out loud that I will simply stop snuggling with another person & they'll eventually figure out that I'm not going to be involved with them. What I do NOT say is that I felt like that person was already going away anyway (having found another shiny new person to play with) AND I watched Dave do that to multiple people AND it sickened me when he did it AND I would really rather not be that guy AND I just needed to hear myself say the words out loud to be reminded that I refuse to be Dave. But the person listening did not know any of the things going on inside my head, nor did they ask. They simply went and flapped their lips to the third party in question, causing needless hurt over a thing that I would not do to a dog I disliked. I did feel that if the person was leaving anyway (as I felt they were doing), I would simply not attempt to stop them or hold them to me, because that would be the fair and right thing to do, to let them go and be happy. However, I would not withhold physical affection or hide from giving it just to chase a person away. That's the scummiest, most whorish thing I can think of doing to another person, and one of the most important people in the word to me now thinks that I am capable of that very thing because someone I thought I could trust can't keep their tongue between their teeth. Yep, me is pissed off.
Since I can't stand in my kitchen now and share this with a trusted friend, I am just typing it here. I am hurt and angry and I really HATE feeling this way. And the person I most want to talk to about it is on the side of the one whose pretty, helpful little dagger is currently decorating my shoulder blades, and really doesn't need me in their life anyway. And this is the last you'll hear about it from me.
