So, I am working my way through 1881. He has committed to being a full time painter, but like his work in ministry, he starts from zero and builds up. His obstinate non-conformity still causes him problems, but he is somewhat reconciled to his family (living at home with them in Etten for a time) and is out of the coal country, so often he sounds quite happy.
I wish all people had what I am gradually beginning to acquire: the power to read a book in a short time without difficulty, and to keep a strong impression of it. In reading books, as in looking at paintings, one must admire what is beautiful with assurance - without doubt, without hesitation...I am busy rearranging all my books; I have read too much not to work on systematically to get at least an idea of modern literature. Sometimes I am so sorry that I do not know more about history, especially modern history. Well, being sorry and giving up doesn't help us on; the only thing to do is to push forward. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, early August 1881
He has fallen in love, but she does not return his feelings, being still hung up on an old love. Being Vincent, he loves anyway. That man does not seem to have a "just relax" bone in his body.
So I remain calm and confident through all this, and it influences my work, which attracts me more than ever just because I feel I shall succeed. Not that I shall become anything extra-ordinary, but “ordinary”; and by ordinary I mean that my work will be sound and reasonable, and will have a right to exist, and will serve some purpose.
I think that nothing awakens us to the reality of life so much as true love. And whoever is truly conscious of the reality of life, is he on the wrong road? I think not. But to what shall I compare that peculiar feeling, that peculiar discovery of love? For indeed when a man falls seriously in love, it is the discovery of a new hemisphere. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, 7 November 1881
If ever you fall in love, do so without reservation, or rather, if you should fall in love simply give no thought to any reservation.
Moreover, when you do fall in love, you will not `feel certain' of success beforehand. You will be `un âme en peine' [a lost soul] and yet you will smile.
Whoever feels so `sure of his ground' that he rashly imagines `she is mine', even before he has waged the soul's battle of love, even before, I say, he has become suspended between life and death on the high seas, in the midst of storm and tempest - there is one who knows little of what a woman's heart is, and that will be bought home to him by a real woman in a very special way. When I was younger, one half of me once fancied that I was in love, and with the other half I really was. The result was many years of humiliation. Let me not have been humiliated in vain. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, 10-11 November 1881
He really is determined in his love.
The clergymen call us sinners, conceived and born in sin. Bah! What confounded nonsense that is. Is it a sin to love, to feel the need for love, not to be able to live without love? I consider a life without love a sinful and immoral state. - Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, Etten, c. 21 December 1881
1881 ended with an argument between himself and his father and Vincent leaving the family home in Etten, possibly this time for good. He is devoting himself to drawing, but he got a paint box from a cousin (?) for Christmas, so he is enjoying exploring that.
This set of blog entries is taking quite a while, but I am very much enjoying spending the time with Vincent. More as I continue. If I keep up with a year at a go, there will likely be about 10 more Vincent entries, interspersed with other things. Enjoy :)
Note: The letters can be found in their entirety at http://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/
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