No ruddy likely. This is me, after all. But for just a moment, I think I would like to wonder. See, I'm in a (very complicated & mostly hidden, but honest) relationship. It's worked for 6 years and a bit over. Part of me wants it to still work because it is safe and comfortable. It also unfortunately means that I spend much of my time alone, no partner, no life mate (...which, after the collapse of my marriage, I'm not certain that I want, really...). Some days it feels like my whole life is on hold in between the times I get to talk to or be with this other person. I'm not certain if this is healthy, living much of my life on pause. I know that it is not very fun, especially the in-between times, the paused hours. That being said, the relationship is good when we can spend time together. The person loves me and I love them back (not a mad passion on my side, but certainly deep affection). My various offspring care for the person & their feelings are returned. Being with this person has helped me to stay sane and to grow into a better person myself over the years. They inspire me to work harder and be better. This is good. So, what's the malfunction? An increasing part of me wonders what it would be like to be free, to experiment, to risk meeting new people (& being rejected by them, says my cynical self), to maybe find a love that I don't have to keep silent about or share (or maybe spend my days alone, the crazy cat lady).
Then there's this other person...who deserves their own entry. Maybe in the morning after I've slept. I still need to noodle.
Thanks for listening.
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