Just thoughts (whining mostly)

I have been unaccountably stressed lately, shoulders tight, neck stiff, brain paralyzed. I'm not sure why, so fixing the issue become problematic. Seriously considering lighting a couple of candles & smudging the house just to get rid of any bad vibes that may be lurking about (which could be caused by the long-term house guest who will - please, Lord - be gone by the end of the calendar year). I hate to think that a single person could cause all of this discomfort when I've lived through a divorce & a job change, & a teenaged son, none of whom caused this much discomfort (as I recall).

Perhaps the stress is due to a general feeling of malaise, a lack of accomplishment. My fortieth birthday is creeping up in just a few months, and my life is nothing like I envisioned it (when I bothered envisioning it, that is). It's not bad. It's just not what I expected (can't say planned, because planning involves some form of premeditation & action. My life seems to have happened randomly based on choices that I made...shocking, no?)

So, how do I fix it? the malaise, I mean? I am aware of the general truths - make a plan, work the plan, write down what I am grateful for, etc. If I feel trapped in my own life, well, I'm the one who put me here, so it falls to me to work on fixing it, yes? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I'm really tired of the exhaustion & aches that signal depression. I am not really willing to take medication if the issue is clinical, so that's temporarily off the table. I don't feel hopeless or despondent, just...meh. Afflicted by an odd malaise, a soggy, stifling mist that keeps me from participating in my own life.

As long as I'm posting stuff that (Please, Lord) is never read by anyone that I know {& if you do know me, please don't tell me. No. Really. This is hard enough as it is.}, you know what scares me, really deep down? That I am hardening inside. That this limited paralysis of feeling is the most of which I am truly capable. That my emotions are ossifying within their protective shell, and that someday I may cease to feel deeply at all. I am safe, but made of stone. I don't know how to release my feelings, or oddly even if I want to...except that intellectually I know that it is better to feel deeply than not. Sigh. How's that for some pointless whining?

That's where I get frustrated with myself. I have a good life. No trauma. Minimal drama. Folks that love me. Fantastic kids. Money stuff mostly on an even keel. Employed in a fairly satisfying (or at least not frustrating or demoralizing) job. See? Good life. I know people who really have things that they're struggling with, who have areas of their lives that are truly difficult, in some cases nearly unendurable. Where do I get off feeling whiny & unhappy with my own blessings?...but I do .

I am lonely in the middle of a house full of eight people. I want someone to lean on once in a while. Someone to cuddle with and depend on...although honestly, there's no real guarantee that I'd be willing/able to lean on another person (one of my pathologies, I think).

Yah. I'm beginning to bore myself with this crap. Next time I have to think of something better to write. Maybe I'll write to someone else, because when I write to myself, I just snivel. Time to kick myself in the butt & work on living rather than simply existing.

Like I said, if you read this & know me, please don't tell me. Just...smile with me, crack a joke, gimme a hug, & by being yourself encourage me to live more fully and honestly and vividly. Ok? Deal.