*Edit: This was eight years ago, and I don't feel the same way exactly. On the other hand, I'm dumping old drafts. I don't want to lose these thoughts, so I'm hitting publish instead of delete.*
So, I had a critical realization today. I was having an IM conversation with a friend wherein I commented that I sometimes feel resentful in my relationship with my boyfriend. In reflecting back, I found myself wondering why resentment should be present. I love him and he loves me. He thinks of our relationship as a marriage and views me as his second wife. As I considered that, I understood where the resentment came from and mostly why.
You see, my attitude toward marriage can best be described as...ambivalent (on a good day anyway. On a bad day it's downright hostile). My experience of my own marriage was, while not entirely unpleasant, not anything that I really care to repeat. To have him describe us as in a relationship that I currently reject does not work for me, although I do understand that his experience of marriage is considerably different than my own.
The other part is that he never asked me to marry him. I never got the proposal or the ring or the ceremony or the simple request. Do you want to spend forever with just me (and my wife)? I got "I love you" "I want to be with you forever" "I want us to live our lives together" "If you want to be with me it has to be just me"...I don't remember being asked if that was what I wanted. (Honestly, I do remember him saying that and me replying, "How nice for you". See? Ambivalent.) So, the use of the term raised uncomfortable echoes of my first marriage wherein I was not asked either. We were pregnant. It was expected that we get married so we did. What either of us wanted really didn't enter into the equation. So old resentment gets applied to new relationship & then buried for five years or so. Not healthy.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend. He is good and kind and giving and loves me dearly and has seen me through some truly crazy periods in my life. I just...even seven years in, I guess I just want to be asked what I want and be brave enough to say it.
Yah, that was another realization. Sigh. It sucks to resent oneself.
Update: We talked about this today a bit. He at least won't refer to our relationship as "married (in [his] mind)", which I deeply appreciate. There are a lot of other things that he's not willing to understand or that I am doing a piss-poor job of communicating (or both), but at least we communicated successfully over that particular issue.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
response to poly questions part 1 (edited)
*Note: this is still in process*
So, I read an article called "10 realistic rules for good non-monagamous relationships" at http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/which asked a number of excellent questions for self-exploration. This is a good idea for me. For the next couple of posts, I think I am going to try and explore my answers to the questions asked and the "rules" given, starting with the first 2 rules
Rule #1: Know yourself. - According to the article, my job is to be brutally honest with myself, no sugarcoating (& understand that the answers are not set in concrete, but in jello)
a. What kind of person are you?
I have been thinking about this question for two days, trying to articulate & work around defense mechanisms and scar tissue. I am a guarded person. I am a loving person…ok, that’s vague. I tend to be affectionate, but I also seek to truly love others; to help them to know that they are valuable and precious to me.I want the people around me to feel happy and safe and free to be themselves. I am a person who resists change, who doesn’t let go easily. I am intelligent (or at least give a good impression of same). I am (or try to be) pragmatic. I am fair-minded. I try to be logical. I am not inclined toward house-cleaning or manual labor, not even a little. I am good at seeming busy. I am not good at practical things and money makes me crazy. I can be impatient when I think someone isn’t trying. I hate to be teased (it feels like I’m being picked on).
b. What are your core values?
Fairness, loyalty, kindness, self-control, love
c. What are your life priorities?
…still working on this…I’m assuming that finding true love and living happily ever after is not considered a viable priority…sometimes it feels as though my priority is simply surviving from one month to the next. I want to be free to be who I am (whoever that is), to love life and the people in it, to not be afraid. I want my children to not suffer for my hang-ups (they are smart enough to come up with their own).
d. What are your needs within relationships?
I need to feel secure (financially, physically) and safe. I need to feel that I can depend on the other person to do what they say they’re going to do. I need affection and snuggling and play. I need to know that I am the most important person to someone.
e. What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
Dishonesty (if not outright lies, then certainly lies of omission) about needs and emotions; not wanting to communicate things that I think the other person doesn't want to hear; getting caught up in day-to-day and not making time special
f. Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
Thinking through past relationships...My ex married me out of guilt & expectation. He tried to "do the responsible thing" and that...didn't work. He didn't love me and that frankly colored all of his choices and actions even when it didn't. I tried too hard to be exactly what he wanted to the exclusion of my own needs, then resented him for making me exclude my own needs and took that resentment out on our relationship in the form of passivity. I didn't sabotage the relationship, but I didn't put my all into being in it either. I just let it happen. I didn't communicate my hurt and anger because I simply assumed that if I did so, he would leave, but in not communicating, I withdrew,which left him emotionally free to leave anyway,which he eventually did...Another lover, I simply became busy. He was unwilling to be monogamous or even commit to having me as a primary. A different lover was insistent upon me being exclusively with him, so I just...got busy until the non-monogamous partner found someone else. That may have left some scar tissue,as I think on it...And that is all of the past relationships that I have had that have ended.
g. How do you deal with conflict and anger?
Mostly avoidance. If someone else is angry, I just turtle up and take it. If I am angry, I try to repress or deflect the anger until it subsides.
h. How are your communication skills?
BAD (but if you think they’re bad now, you should have seen them when I was younger. They’ve actually improved.)
i. What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
(edited) I am attracted to intelligence, courtesy, warmth, stability...and power...I didn't like admitting that last one, but as I think over the people to whom I have been attracted, most of them have an aura of personal power. They aren't socially powerful necessarily, or in positions of power, it's that they have powerful wills. They more often than not have a powerful build. I tend to think of this as positive, but I can see where it could be problematic as well. Also, I have to acknowledge where that powerful will clashes with mine and I feel resentful. The stability that I crave can also be suffocating if handled poorly.
j. What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?
(edited) I am affectionate, reliable, and loyal. One does not need to hang a tape recorder around my neck in order to have a good conversation with me. I a a fairly good cook. I listen and am able (& willing) to learn. I don't change what I believe in order to be with someone, but neither do I demand that they change what they believe in order to be with me. I don't cling. If I agree to a set of rules, then I abide by them.
k. What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?
(edited) Sigh. my life is inherently chaotic. I live in a three ring circus. Even though it is largely of my own choosing, that doesn't make it any less nuts. I am healthy and employed, but lack a consistent schedule. I cause most of my own stress because I struggle with time management (& over-volunteering). My children are a major source of both stress and joy in my life, and whoever I am with needs to know that my children are essential to me.
Rule #2: Love yourself.
...what does this mean? The author says, "Not taking care of yourself is not an option." How do I take care of myself? I am trying to learn better how to articulate my needs, to not think for the other person or assume that they are not going to be willing to consider my needs. I think sometimes, I am not fair to other humans. I tend to take it for granted that I will be the one who will give in and "be nice", when I should possibly allow others to do so...I wonder why I don't?
So, I read an article called "10 realistic rules for good non-monagamous relationships" at http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/which asked a number of excellent questions for self-exploration. This is a good idea for me. For the next couple of posts, I think I am going to try and explore my answers to the questions asked and the "rules" given, starting with the first 2 rules
Rule #1: Know yourself. - According to the article, my job is to be brutally honest with myself, no sugarcoating (& understand that the answers are not set in concrete, but in jello)
a. What kind of person are you?
I have been thinking about this question for two days, trying to articulate & work around defense mechanisms and scar tissue. I am a guarded person. I am a loving person…ok, that’s vague. I tend to be affectionate, but I also seek to truly love others; to help them to know that they are valuable and precious to me.I want the people around me to feel happy and safe and free to be themselves. I am a person who resists change, who doesn’t let go easily. I am intelligent (or at least give a good impression of same). I am (or try to be) pragmatic. I am fair-minded. I try to be logical. I am not inclined toward house-cleaning or manual labor, not even a little. I am good at seeming busy. I am not good at practical things and money makes me crazy. I can be impatient when I think someone isn’t trying. I hate to be teased (it feels like I’m being picked on).
b. What are your core values?
Fairness, loyalty, kindness, self-control, love
c. What are your life priorities?
…still working on this…I’m assuming that finding true love and living happily ever after is not considered a viable priority…sometimes it feels as though my priority is simply surviving from one month to the next. I want to be free to be who I am (whoever that is), to love life and the people in it, to not be afraid. I want my children to not suffer for my hang-ups (they are smart enough to come up with their own).
d. What are your needs within relationships?
I need to feel secure (financially, physically) and safe. I need to feel that I can depend on the other person to do what they say they’re going to do. I need affection and snuggling and play. I need to know that I am the most important person to someone.
e. What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
Dishonesty (if not outright lies, then certainly lies of omission) about needs and emotions; not wanting to communicate things that I think the other person doesn't want to hear; getting caught up in day-to-day and not making time special
f. Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
Thinking through past relationships...My ex married me out of guilt & expectation. He tried to "do the responsible thing" and that...didn't work. He didn't love me and that frankly colored all of his choices and actions even when it didn't. I tried too hard to be exactly what he wanted to the exclusion of my own needs, then resented him for making me exclude my own needs and took that resentment out on our relationship in the form of passivity. I didn't sabotage the relationship, but I didn't put my all into being in it either. I just let it happen. I didn't communicate my hurt and anger because I simply assumed that if I did so, he would leave, but in not communicating, I withdrew,which left him emotionally free to leave anyway,which he eventually did...Another lover, I simply became busy. He was unwilling to be monogamous or even commit to having me as a primary. A different lover was insistent upon me being exclusively with him, so I just...got busy until the non-monogamous partner found someone else. That may have left some scar tissue,as I think on it...And that is all of the past relationships that I have had that have ended.
g. How do you deal with conflict and anger?
Mostly avoidance. If someone else is angry, I just turtle up and take it. If I am angry, I try to repress or deflect the anger until it subsides.
h. How are your communication skills?
BAD (but if you think they’re bad now, you should have seen them when I was younger. They’ve actually improved.)
i. What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
(edited) I am attracted to intelligence, courtesy, warmth, stability...and power...I didn't like admitting that last one, but as I think over the people to whom I have been attracted, most of them have an aura of personal power. They aren't socially powerful necessarily, or in positions of power, it's that they have powerful wills. They more often than not have a powerful build. I tend to think of this as positive, but I can see where it could be problematic as well. Also, I have to acknowledge where that powerful will clashes with mine and I feel resentful. The stability that I crave can also be suffocating if handled poorly.
j. What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?
(edited) I am affectionate, reliable, and loyal. One does not need to hang a tape recorder around my neck in order to have a good conversation with me. I a a fairly good cook. I listen and am able (& willing) to learn. I don't change what I believe in order to be with someone, but neither do I demand that they change what they believe in order to be with me. I don't cling. If I agree to a set of rules, then I abide by them.
k. What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?
(edited) Sigh. my life is inherently chaotic. I live in a three ring circus. Even though it is largely of my own choosing, that doesn't make it any less nuts. I am healthy and employed, but lack a consistent schedule. I cause most of my own stress because I struggle with time management (& over-volunteering). My children are a major source of both stress and joy in my life, and whoever I am with needs to know that my children are essential to me.
Rule #2: Love yourself.
...what does this mean? The author says, "Not taking care of yourself is not an option." How do I take care of myself? I am trying to learn better how to articulate my needs, to not think for the other person or assume that they are not going to be willing to consider my needs. I think sometimes, I am not fair to other humans. I tend to take it for granted that I will be the one who will give in and "be nice", when I should possibly allow others to do so...I wonder why I don't?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
TEA Form
Borrowed from the Compersion group on fetlife
(something I need to keep handy)
(something I need to keep handy)
KNOWN AS TEA FORM
All this requires is a pencil and paper. You draw 2
verticle lines on a piece of paper that will create 3 columns. In the first
column, label it THOUGHT(S). In the 2nd column, label it ERROR(S). 3rd column
label it ANALYSIS or ANSWER.
When you have a thought, write it under the THOUGHT
column, then proceed to ERROR, (With the ERROR COLUMN, refer to the list of
THINKING ERRORS below to label the error) then on to ANALYSIS/ANSWER.
THINKING ERRORS THAT PEOPLE MAKE:
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: This is where you
overestimate the likelihood that a negative event is going to happen, despite
overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This causes anticipatory anxiety.
BLOWING THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION: Making a mountain
out of a molehill or viewing events/situations catastrophic/insufferable when
they really aren't.
EXTREME THINKING: Where you see everything as either
good or completely bad. Nothing can fall in the middle with this type of
thinking.
GLOBALIZING: This is where you take 1 instance, and
forever turn it into a universal event that will occur over & over again.
EMOTIONAL BLOCKING: Where you give your feelings
overriding importance. Just because YOU feel a certain way, does not make it
reality. If your thoughts are inaccurate, your feelings are, too.
REALITY FILTER: Where you zero in on 1 negative
detail and not seeing the rest of the big picture.
IGNORING THE POSITIVE: You refuse to give yourself
credit for any of your accomplishments. IE: Oh well, anybody could have done
that.
OMNIPOTENCE ERROR: You think you are responsible for
events that are completely beyond your control.
COUNTERPRODUCTIVE MOTIVATION: Basically
procrastinating. "I need to do this", " I should do this",
"I have to do that". This type of language makes you feel guilty
because it makes the task seem so enormous. Everything IS NOT a task.
NAMING: You label yourself or others if something is
not done correctly. IE: I'm such a loser or calling someone else a jerk.
Here's an example:
THOUGHT: The TEA Form exercise won't help me.
ERROR: From the list above, this answer would be
"JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS".
ANALYSIS/ANSWER: I won't know until I try it. If I
try it and it works, I'll be glad I took the time to do it.
2ND EXAMPLE:
THOUGHT: The TEA Form will be too difficult.
ERROR: JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS AND EMOTIONAL
BLOCKING.
ANALYSIS: It feels this way because I'm overwhelming
myself with negative thoughts. Things are rarely as difficult as they appear to
be.
3rd EXAMPLE:
THOUGHT: I'm not very good at stuff like this.
ERROR: GLOBALIZING, REALITY FILTER, NAMING AND
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
ANALYSIS: Now, I'm making excuses to keep from
trying this. No wonder I don't want to try with all the negatives swirling
around in my head. I'll never find out if I don't try it. The sooner I get to
working on this exercise, the sooner all those irrational thoughts will
disappear and I will begin to feel better. It will become easier after doing it
several times. I can do most things when I put my mind to it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Growl! (resolved)
**Edit: Eight years on, life is better, and I'm once again deciding to hit publish instead of delete because I don't want to lose the thoughts, even if the situation has resolved itself (favorably, I might add)**
I can't post vague passive aggressive crap on facebook, so I'm just going to growl really loudly here. Once I have growled, I am going to go back to behaving like a grown-up and not a rabid wolverine.
So, when I am dealing with something emotional or hurtful, I typically will find someone I trust to vent all of the irrational crap to so that I can return to being logical and actually dealing with the situation. See, the list of people that I can actually trust to tell about emotional issues is shorter by one person tonight, and that pisses me right off. I was very clear (I thought) when communicating to said person, that I need to say certain things out loud so that I DO NOT act on them, so that I can hear how stupid they sound outside of my head, because when they are resonating in between my ears they gain power that they should not have. This is one of the ways that I am able to be reasonable and logical and forgiving and accepting of others and not be a screaming crazy bitch monster (most of the time). It is a necessary safety valve for me. This person then took what I had said as I was venting and reported it back to the person about whom I was venting. That may have been the right thing for this person to do, but I bitterly resent having words that I said in someplace that I thought I was SAFE come back to bite my ass (even for my own good). It is hard enough for me to just vent out loud to another human, and to have one take a decision out of my hands "for my own good" or "for the good of the relationship" or whatever, makes me angry because now even that little outlet is closed to me. I am stuck back inside my g_d-damned head again. And then,when I expressed this anger about what I saw as a personal betrayal to the third party, it became my fault. I was saying things that were wrong and mean and I needed to be honest with those things. Well, duh! I knew I was saying mean things. I was saying them out loud so that I could get rid of them and behave like an adult in public. Saying those things out loud released some of the anger that I was holding on to, as well as the feelings of abandonment and rejection so that I could deal with right and necessary changes like a fucking grownup and not like a crazy bitch, because that was how I FELT. I felt hurt and unhappy, and because I rationally knew that no-one was trying to make me feel hurt or unhappy, I needed to vocalize those emotions so that they went away. Instead, they got amplified by what I (rightfully, I think) see as a well-meaning betrayal of trust. The fact that one person betrayed my trust and another person then acted on that information means that I was also ganged up on. I know that I really wasn't, and they both love me and want the best for me and stuff,, but damn, it was a bit clumsily handled. The worst part is...I won't say anything out loud. I won't tell the person that I felt personally betrayed by their good intentions...maybe I will,but knowing me, I'll soft-pedal it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings which will render whatever I say to be utterly impotent.
I hate feeling like I'e been judged and then handled. I hate it when people presume to think for me or act for my own good. I am an adult and if I want to be stupid, I have that right. I am willing to grant other adults that right. At the very least, that person needed to tell me that they were going to betray my trust instead of treating me like a damned child. And, by the way, what if some of the things that I said in the heat of the moment were not especially True? What if they were emotional blurts that just needed to escape so that I could act more honestly? How, exactly, was it helpful to anyone to then convey these emotional blurts to someone else that they would just hurt?
Let me give an example: I say out loud that I will simply stop snuggling with another person & they'll eventually figure out that I'm not going to be involved with them. What I do NOT say is that I felt like that person was already going away anyway (having found another shiny new person to play with) AND I watched Dave do that to multiple people AND it sickened me when he did it AND I would really rather not be that guy AND I just needed to hear myself say the words out loud to be reminded that I refuse to be Dave. But the person listening did not know any of the things going on inside my head, nor did they ask. They simply went and flapped their lips to the third party in question, causing needless hurt over a thing that I would not do to a dog I disliked. I did feel that if the person was leaving anyway (as I felt they were doing), I would simply not attempt to stop them or hold them to me, because that would be the fair and right thing to do, to let them go and be happy. However, I would not withhold physical affection or hide from giving it just to chase a person away. That's the scummiest, most whorish thing I can think of doing to another person, and one of the most important people in the word to me now thinks that I am capable of that very thing because someone I thought I could trust can't keep their tongue between their teeth. Yep, me is pissed off.
Since I can't stand in my kitchen now and share this with a trusted friend, I am just typing it here. I am hurt and angry and I really HATE feeling this way. And the person I most want to talk to about it is on the side of the one whose pretty, helpful little dagger is currently decorating my shoulder blades, and really doesn't need me in their life anyway. And this is the last you'll hear about it from me.
I can't post vague passive aggressive crap on facebook, so I'm just going to growl really loudly here. Once I have growled, I am going to go back to behaving like a grown-up and not a rabid wolverine.
So, when I am dealing with something emotional or hurtful, I typically will find someone I trust to vent all of the irrational crap to so that I can return to being logical and actually dealing with the situation. See, the list of people that I can actually trust to tell about emotional issues is shorter by one person tonight, and that pisses me right off. I was very clear (I thought) when communicating to said person, that I need to say certain things out loud so that I DO NOT act on them, so that I can hear how stupid they sound outside of my head, because when they are resonating in between my ears they gain power that they should not have. This is one of the ways that I am able to be reasonable and logical and forgiving and accepting of others and not be a screaming crazy bitch monster (most of the time). It is a necessary safety valve for me. This person then took what I had said as I was venting and reported it back to the person about whom I was venting. That may have been the right thing for this person to do, but I bitterly resent having words that I said in someplace that I thought I was SAFE come back to bite my ass (even for my own good). It is hard enough for me to just vent out loud to another human, and to have one take a decision out of my hands "for my own good" or "for the good of the relationship" or whatever, makes me angry because now even that little outlet is closed to me. I am stuck back inside my g_d-damned head again. And then,when I expressed this anger about what I saw as a personal betrayal to the third party, it became my fault. I was saying things that were wrong and mean and I needed to be honest with those things. Well, duh! I knew I was saying mean things. I was saying them out loud so that I could get rid of them and behave like an adult in public. Saying those things out loud released some of the anger that I was holding on to, as well as the feelings of abandonment and rejection so that I could deal with right and necessary changes like a fucking grownup and not like a crazy bitch, because that was how I FELT. I felt hurt and unhappy, and because I rationally knew that no-one was trying to make me feel hurt or unhappy, I needed to vocalize those emotions so that they went away. Instead, they got amplified by what I (rightfully, I think) see as a well-meaning betrayal of trust. The fact that one person betrayed my trust and another person then acted on that information means that I was also ganged up on. I know that I really wasn't, and they both love me and want the best for me and stuff,, but damn, it was a bit clumsily handled. The worst part is...I won't say anything out loud. I won't tell the person that I felt personally betrayed by their good intentions...maybe I will,but knowing me, I'll soft-pedal it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings which will render whatever I say to be utterly impotent.
I hate feeling like I'e been judged and then handled. I hate it when people presume to think for me or act for my own good. I am an adult and if I want to be stupid, I have that right. I am willing to grant other adults that right. At the very least, that person needed to tell me that they were going to betray my trust instead of treating me like a damned child. And, by the way, what if some of the things that I said in the heat of the moment were not especially True? What if they were emotional blurts that just needed to escape so that I could act more honestly? How, exactly, was it helpful to anyone to then convey these emotional blurts to someone else that they would just hurt?
Let me give an example: I say out loud that I will simply stop snuggling with another person & they'll eventually figure out that I'm not going to be involved with them. What I do NOT say is that I felt like that person was already going away anyway (having found another shiny new person to play with) AND I watched Dave do that to multiple people AND it sickened me when he did it AND I would really rather not be that guy AND I just needed to hear myself say the words out loud to be reminded that I refuse to be Dave. But the person listening did not know any of the things going on inside my head, nor did they ask. They simply went and flapped their lips to the third party in question, causing needless hurt over a thing that I would not do to a dog I disliked. I did feel that if the person was leaving anyway (as I felt they were doing), I would simply not attempt to stop them or hold them to me, because that would be the fair and right thing to do, to let them go and be happy. However, I would not withhold physical affection or hide from giving it just to chase a person away. That's the scummiest, most whorish thing I can think of doing to another person, and one of the most important people in the word to me now thinks that I am capable of that very thing because someone I thought I could trust can't keep their tongue between their teeth. Yep, me is pissed off.
Since I can't stand in my kitchen now and share this with a trusted friend, I am just typing it here. I am hurt and angry and I really HATE feeling this way. And the person I most want to talk to about it is on the side of the one whose pretty, helpful little dagger is currently decorating my shoulder blades, and really doesn't need me in their life anyway. And this is the last you'll hear about it from me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Idle hands
Trapped inside my bone house
Peering through the windows -
Is anyone out there
Looking in?
Got my pretty pictures up
Covering all the walls -
Dreams and wishes and all
of the maybe's ever
Rooms full of wondering -
Light as air, almost as
real, except they're in here
with me
'Cuz I have blocked the doors
Gotta keep them safe
It's cold out there and dreams
are fragile
Peering through the windows -
Is anyone out there
Looking in?
Got my pretty pictures up
Covering all the walls -
Dreams and wishes and all
of the maybe's ever
Rooms full of wondering -
Light as air, almost as
real, except they're in here
with me
'Cuz I have blocked the doors
Gotta keep them safe
It's cold out there and dreams
are fragile
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