Dumb emotional reaction day

So, yah, today was a dumb emotional reaction day.  This morning, I was pulling my hair up into its usual twist & realized that there was less of it than there used to be a decade ago (Duh?). And I start to cry. Why? Because in my brain, my hair is my one real vanity, & without it, I'm just fat & old.  I'm sitting there crying over my hair & realizing at one & the same time that I'm idiotic to be sitting there crying over my hair so I cry harder because I feel like such a blithering idiot.  Yah.  Aren't you glad you don't have to see this on a regular basis?

Then, this afternoon, my dear friend calls, & since he may not have power at home due to ugly windstormage, asks if he can crash over here.  I'm emphatically ok with this.  I'm not in love.  I won't be, but he is wonderful to cuddle with (& if I'm honest, currently turns my bones to jello).  He was clear that this is no guarantee because he has to be at work on time tomorrow (& it's a brutal 1 1/2 hour drive from here to there), but if not tonight then he'd like to come over tomorrow for certain. No problem, says I, you're always welcome, either way works.  Then I went home, grabbed a shower, salt scrubbed & moisturized & got cleaned up.  And he found that he has power after all & went to a munch in Pasadena. I didn't cry (that was reserved for my hair, thanks)...but I want to.  I still may.  I may just curl up in my bed tonight, pillows packed carefully on either side to feel like a person & buried under covers, I may just cry.  I can feel the tears lurking in the back of my throat & just behind my eyes, waiting.  Stupid emotional responses.

I find myself thinking, Do I even want to resolve this right now?  Why am I so bothered?  Is it that Forty is within knocking distance & I'm still over 200 pounds & haven't been able to run for a week because of a charley horse in my calf & haven't been sticking to my diet?  Is it that I am fervently sick of my extra 2 roommates (even if one is the sink whisperer & saved us a plumber's visit yesterday, the darling girl) & they asked us for an extra month to stay here (rent free because they shot their wad & are unemployed) & they'll likely get it?  Is it that I'm thoroughly sick of being surrounded by people & feeling alone?  Is it that I want to get OUT and met people & maybe live a bit before it's too late?  Is it that I feel that I have missed so very many chances to live because I'm too cautious?  Is it that I miss people that I would love to be in my life (not necessarily romantically) but who are too far away for that to be at all possible, so I can only think happy thoughts in their direction?  Is it that I feel that I am not really doing anything useful or good in my life, nothing that really matters?  Ok, I teach, and that's a good thing, but lately I'm having a hard time seeing that I'm really making any impact on anyone's life.  I'm not certain why, either.

I'll get past this.  I know I will because I always have.  There's a good bit of enjoyment in my life, comfort, warmth, affection, security in some measure.  Fun opportunities coming up to travel, to Hawaii to visit my tall boy & to New York to visit my adopted sister.

I will not cry about stupid things.  Dammit.