ok, so four drinks in during "spa night", perhaps I can unbend enough to post honestly... or maybe not - watching "Much Ado About Nothing" for the billionth time - missing the Tennant production from London this summer - wanting to be anywhere but here - sometimes I think the thing I want the most is to be at the happy ending section of a rom-com movie or play -you know - miss the tough stuff & just jump from the meet-cute to the happy ending - sigh. No such luck.
can I imagine myself with some one, the same someone, forever?
Nope.
Time to drink water. Have a cigarette, & go to bed. Night...
got back from a drunken walk with cigarettes - feeling nicely floaty & don't want to think about various crap that weighs me down
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My friend
Do you know that I miss you?
That you walked with me
along the Siene last summer
and stood
beside the Bourne with me as
we listened
to the waters roll gently by?
My Soul -
you may have been teasing
all those years ago
when you gave me that name,
but maybe you weren't -
maybe you understood
something more.
The river rolls on
carrying the past
the then and the now
and the maybe and the certain
Does it roll past you too?
Carrying my thoughts to you?
I miss you, canum.
Just sayin'
That you walked with me
along the Siene last summer
and stood
beside the Bourne with me as
we listened
to the waters roll gently by?
My Soul -
you may have been teasing
all those years ago
when you gave me that name,
but maybe you weren't -
maybe you understood
something more.
The river rolls on
carrying the past
the then and the now
and the maybe and the certain
Does it roll past you too?
Carrying my thoughts to you?
I miss you, canum.
Just sayin'
Dumb emotional reaction day
So, yah, today was a dumb emotional reaction day. This morning, I was pulling my hair up into its usual twist & realized that there was less of it than there used to be a decade ago (Duh?). And I start to cry. Why? Because in my brain, my hair is my one real vanity, & without it, I'm just fat & old. I'm sitting there crying over my hair & realizing at one & the same time that I'm idiotic to be sitting there crying over my hair so I cry harder because I feel like such a blithering idiot. Yah. Aren't you glad you don't have to see this on a regular basis?
Then, this afternoon, my dear friend calls, & since he may not have power at home due to ugly windstormage, asks if he can crash over here. I'm emphatically ok with this. I'm not in love. I won't be, but he is wonderful to cuddle with (& if I'm honest, currently turns my bones to jello). He was clear that this is no guarantee because he has to be at work on time tomorrow (& it's a brutal 1 1/2 hour drive from here to there), but if not tonight then he'd like to come over tomorrow for certain. No problem, says I, you're always welcome, either way works. Then I went home, grabbed a shower, salt scrubbed & moisturized & got cleaned up. And he found that he has power after all & went to a munch in Pasadena. I didn't cry (that was reserved for my hair, thanks)...but I want to. I still may. I may just curl up in my bed tonight, pillows packed carefully on either side to feel like a person & buried under covers, I may just cry. I can feel the tears lurking in the back of my throat & just behind my eyes, waiting. Stupid emotional responses.
I find myself thinking, Do I even want to resolve this right now? Why am I so bothered? Is it that Forty is within knocking distance & I'm still over 200 pounds & haven't been able to run for a week because of a charley horse in my calf & haven't been sticking to my diet? Is it that I am fervently sick of my extra 2 roommates (even if one is the sink whisperer & saved us a plumber's visit yesterday, the darling girl) & they asked us for an extra month to stay here (rent free because they shot their wad & are unemployed) & they'll likely get it? Is it that I'm thoroughly sick of being surrounded by people & feeling alone? Is it that I want to get OUT and met people & maybe live a bit before it's too late? Is it that I feel that I have missed so very many chances to live because I'm too cautious? Is it that I miss people that I would love to be in my life (not necessarily romantically) but who are too far away for that to be at all possible, so I can only think happy thoughts in their direction? Is it that I feel that I am not really doing anything useful or good in my life, nothing that really matters? Ok, I teach, and that's a good thing, but lately I'm having a hard time seeing that I'm really making any impact on anyone's life. I'm not certain why, either.
I'll get past this. I know I will because I always have. There's a good bit of enjoyment in my life, comfort, warmth, affection, security in some measure. Fun opportunities coming up to travel, to Hawaii to visit my tall boy & to New York to visit my adopted sister.
I will not cry about stupid things. Dammit.
Then, this afternoon, my dear friend calls, & since he may not have power at home due to ugly windstormage, asks if he can crash over here. I'm emphatically ok with this. I'm not in love. I won't be, but he is wonderful to cuddle with (& if I'm honest, currently turns my bones to jello). He was clear that this is no guarantee because he has to be at work on time tomorrow (& it's a brutal 1 1/2 hour drive from here to there), but if not tonight then he'd like to come over tomorrow for certain. No problem, says I, you're always welcome, either way works. Then I went home, grabbed a shower, salt scrubbed & moisturized & got cleaned up. And he found that he has power after all & went to a munch in Pasadena. I didn't cry (that was reserved for my hair, thanks)...but I want to. I still may. I may just curl up in my bed tonight, pillows packed carefully on either side to feel like a person & buried under covers, I may just cry. I can feel the tears lurking in the back of my throat & just behind my eyes, waiting. Stupid emotional responses.
I find myself thinking, Do I even want to resolve this right now? Why am I so bothered? Is it that Forty is within knocking distance & I'm still over 200 pounds & haven't been able to run for a week because of a charley horse in my calf & haven't been sticking to my diet? Is it that I am fervently sick of my extra 2 roommates (even if one is the sink whisperer & saved us a plumber's visit yesterday, the darling girl) & they asked us for an extra month to stay here (rent free because they shot their wad & are unemployed) & they'll likely get it? Is it that I'm thoroughly sick of being surrounded by people & feeling alone? Is it that I want to get OUT and met people & maybe live a bit before it's too late? Is it that I feel that I have missed so very many chances to live because I'm too cautious? Is it that I miss people that I would love to be in my life (not necessarily romantically) but who are too far away for that to be at all possible, so I can only think happy thoughts in their direction? Is it that I feel that I am not really doing anything useful or good in my life, nothing that really matters? Ok, I teach, and that's a good thing, but lately I'm having a hard time seeing that I'm really making any impact on anyone's life. I'm not certain why, either.
I'll get past this. I know I will because I always have. There's a good bit of enjoyment in my life, comfort, warmth, affection, security in some measure. Fun opportunities coming up to travel, to Hawaii to visit my tall boy & to New York to visit my adopted sister.
I will not cry about stupid things. Dammit.
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