Had a very pleasant war (Potrero), but I am trying to decide if I want to write a nice, warm friendly letter to a friend about the experience or if I want to wander into the dark for a bit. See, the thing is, I spent the weekend camped with my sweetie. We spent quality time together. He let me cook for him (this is a BIG DEAL) and generally spoil him a bit. This was something I've been needing to do...yah, it's weird, but it made me feel like more than simply a passive recipient of the relationship. I got to participate and share equally. I went shopping and got foods that everyone would enjoy and that he could eat. I packed the camper and set up a comfortable camp, a place to relax and just enjoy the days going by. Other than specific tasks that HAD to be accomplished during the event, I pretty much stayed in camp, mostly with him...and the whole thing was a beautiful fiction. I really enjoyed pretending that I had a right to take care of someone and that he had the right to take care of me, but it can never last for more than a day or two at most, and even then only off in a quiet corner where few will notice. Where our relationship is right now is about where it will ever be and it's no use pretending that it will ever be different. I know this. I knew this going in. I'm still sitting here after my very nice, very fictional, weekend feeling utterly depressed and alone. Sigh. I set myself up for this, and I don't get to be mad at anyone else about it either...which stinks.
At some point, I need to figure out why I do this, because you see, this is a pattern in my relationship life. When I look back at the people with whom I have been involved, really none of them were able (for varying reasons, sometimes due to circumstances in their lives and sometimes due to circumstances in mine) to have a full and complete relationship with me...and I chose that. Invariably, I get into relationships that are inherently self-limiting (or I would make sure that they were so). At some point I need to investigate what little broken bits inside my head are telling me that I can't have (or don't really want or don't deserve or whatever) a full relationship.
Otherwise, I foresee several more depressing "day after" experiences in my future.
