Ok, so if any one who happens to be my friend and male happens to read this, I apologize. Right now I'm just bugged about men and their stupid head games, and I'm not going to specifically mention the males I happen to be most pissed at. I'm just going to rant about the entire gender. It's wrong. It's over-generalizing. I'm doing it anyway; I have my reasons. Deal.
Anyway, back to my rant.
Dammit. I'm so desperately dumb that I can't even rant about stupid men without admitting that I'm mad because I feel guilty (for no reason, mind you, but I feel that way anyway). Lemme try this again -
So, one particular gentleman of my acquaintance is very aware of certain lines in the sand. Those lines are silly lines, arbitrary lines, pointless lines, but they are still my lines and I won't have them crossed. So does this gentleman leave them nicely alone? No, he decides on doing some edgeplay (without telling me), and proceeds to push those lines. HARD. Never mind that in his brain, those lines were never going to get crossed. I didn't know that. All I knew was that I was fighting to hold onto what little honor I have, what those lines mean; I was begging for help, and he took too long to pull us back from the edge. The lines were not crossed, but they could have been, with enthusiasm. It is not nice to mess with a body's head that way. Once I finished crying, I dealt with it mostly, but I'm still pissed. I'll get over it, but I _hate_ those kind of mind games. If you make a deal & set specific lines, then abide by them. Don't push them; don't renegotiate them; don't tease along them. They are The Lines. I need them there. You know exactly why I need them there. You agreed to having them there, knowing full well what that meant. Stop pushing, dammit, even if it's only a test, even if you're not really pushing. You know you're not, but I don't. I need to trust you, and the pushing (even when I know what it is and isn't) makes that hard to do.
(flip side) I shouldn't have been where I was and doing what I was doing. I was wrong from the get go. There is no room for me to get angry over a situation that my own flawed decision-making put me into. If I really object that badly, then the easy fix is to step out of the situation. That's as simple as it is. That's arguably one of the possible _right_ things to do. The fact that I cannot bring myself to do it is on me, and I need to accept responsibility for that.
Why do men push anyway? I mean, every single male of my acquaintance (and I do mean every single one) pushes. They say they agree to something. They give you their word, and when it really comes down to it, their words means nothing because they already want to renegotiate from the moment the "I promise" passes their lips. It's never just good enough.
Speaking of pushing, see, there's this other gentleman of my acquaintance. He is the chief line drawer in my life, but sometimes it seems as though the lines form a box around me; they keep shrinking, and they are at times invisible. I never know if something I say or do or someone I talk to or talk about or whatever is going to send him into a snit. He says it's not my fault, that it's him, but even though he's right, he's still wrong. See, it _is_ my fault. I am more than the passive recipient of his emotional baggage. I make choices, one of which was to be in this relationship with him. If something I said or did hurts or offends him, then somewhere I knew it would or thought it might. We are supposed to be partners (of a sort anyway), and this whole waiting for him to decide to tell me why he's upset, holding me hostage to his emotions, f___ing sucks.
(flip side) See, he has reason to be upset with me, even if he doesn't really know why. The waiting sucks, but it sucks worse because I know that he would be disappointed in my choices lately. And as above, I know what I ought to do, what one of the possible right choices is, and that is to stop that association /activity that I know he would disapprove. One of the other possible right choices is to stop seeing him and then he won't have room to disapprove because we are not in a relationship. Still another option is to end both associations and figure out exactly who I am and where my brain is without anyone having any access to it to play stupid head games.
Right now, I am just done with men and all of your stupid external plumbing motivated, emotionally crazy, head games. Just Done. You are not worth the stress, none of you.
